Q - What can a mom do to improve or facilitate her relationship with her teenage children?

Showing interest in the daughter or son is really important. Asking about their friends, things they’ve been reading, who they talk to online, things about every day life. But it’s important to remember not to nag. If they don’t reply with a direct statement, don’t keep asking the question but stop and pray for a moment about what to do next. Should you keep asking the same thing, leave the topic alone, or should you pursue a conversation about whatever it is you asked about in the first place? These are questions that should be asked on a regular basis and with the help of the Holy Spirit they will be answered in each instance. God blessed us with the Holy Spirit and it should most definitely be used within a mother/daughter or son relationship.

Q - What things hinder the relationship?

In case you weren’t personally aware, there’s somebody called Satan and he’s constantly out to steal, kill and destroy anything that is somewhat holy or righteous. So, if you get some new ground within a relationship, Satan will be trying to figure out how to damage that relationship more than it ever was. This means that you, as the mother, need to be praying for your son or daughter all the time. Satan will come in many different ways but I find that he usually tries to get to the son or daughter rather than the mother.

Basically, anything can hinder the relationship. But the solution to all things that hinder the relationship is very simple. Prayer.

Q - How do you work on building bridges?

For me, the little things in life mean a lot and I think that’s true for a lot of people. Special time spent with only Mom once felt like murder but now is one of my favorite things. Building bridges takes time–patience and perseverance–but the end result is very worth it. People take a while to change sometimes and though that may not be a bad thing, it’s easy to get discouraged and think that they will never change. But if God is in the relationship, bridges will be built and communication will be there.

Q - What can a mom do to improve or facilitate her relationship with her teenage children?

:: Spending more time with them is one of the first steps, but eventually you need to move a little more ahead. You need to be their best friend for everything. Not just every day things, but personal things, too. Yes, it’s good to know what their favorite types of clothing are…when you’re shopping for their birthday. Do you know what’s really going on in their life? How is their walk with God going? Have they been getting anything out of what they’ve been reading in the bible? How is/are their relationship(s) with their sibling(s) going? You need to know those things, too.

Q - What things hinder the relationship?

:: A teenage daughter or son can easily be persuaded by thoughts that the relationship that you’re trying to build with them isn’t really true. It’s a fake. A bluff. That you don’t really care about them that much. That you don’t really care about the relationship at all. Is that true? No. Try to show that all that you are doing to help build your relationship with them isn’t a fake. You really do care about them. You love them. A lot.

:: For some reason teenage kids always think that getting all personal and having a good relationship with their parents would be awkward. It’s something that they all think. They think it would be weird. They try to avoid all personal conversations with you, and even try to stay away from any activities that might involve anything like personal conversations. At some point they will recognize that you’re not going to give up on building that relationship with them. And at some point they will turn to you for help.

Q - How do you work on building bridges?

:: Nowadays your children are growing up thinking that they’re idiots. That they’re not smart, when really, they are. Encourage them in every subject, no matter what, even the ones that they might not be the strongest in. It will help your relationship grow, along with many other things.

:: How much time do you spend with them? How much time do you spend with them alone, just you and your kid? Something that I’ve always remembered were the times when it was just me and my mom going on a shopping trip to Massena to get a few odds ‘n ends. We would leave right after lunch and spend the whole afternoon there, just the two of us. That’s it.

:: Your children grow up thinking that you’re the mom in the family, and nothing more to them. You give them chores, have them do homework, practice if they play an instrument, sometimes have them make dinner, etc. That’s what they think of when they think of “mom.” The truth is that you’re not just that. You’re someone that’s constantly there when they need something. You’re their number one fan when their playing a sport, the one that’s cheering for them every second of the game, even if they’re not doing so well. You’re the one clapping the loudest at the recital because you love them and how wonderfully talented God made them. . .they notice it. They see you cheering and clapping for them. Keep showing that love and in return they’re going to show their love to you.

As a young mother I wanted my children to be excited about Easter, to contemplate the weightiness of such an event, and to remember His supreme sacrifice with great appreciation and thanksgiving. So what could be done to mark such a special day and bring about such contemplation?

Christmas warrants a full season of celebration. Why should Easter be wrapped up in one short day? The importance of the resurrection deserved a bit more attention than that in my book. So the following will help you see some of the prep, planning, and celebration we now practice!

1. Mom purchased books about the Resurrection story. These books are brought out a few weeks prior to Easter Sunday and made available for perusal. Placed in view for decorative purposes, we also read them together during those weeks. The story is told and retold. What better story is there?

2. Years ago one such book prompted us to create figures/puppets of the characters involved in the story. Now they are set out each year and the young set (my own children and now my grandchildren) enjoy re-enacting the story. Great!

3. This mom is big on seasonal decor. For me, it sets the tone. A month before the big day flowers, figurines, garlands, special dishware and linens are brought out. All these things cue the children and visitors — something really special is being remembered!

4. We always take time to plan special outfits for Easter Sunday. It is common in many cultures to wear festive clothes during celebration — surely Easter merits this! In years gone by we’ve all worn white dresses, or had new flowered dresses and new suits, or planned to wear matching colors using existing wardrobes. Celebration commemorating such an event deserves thought and investment. We must remember and celebrate His great goodness! It doesn’t need to be costly, but it should be thought through. Cleaning, mending, adding a simple touch such as a new tie or hair ribbon — this takes time and effort, and that is what helps children (and ourselves) recognize the significance of the day. We begin plotting our outfits days and even weeks before. After all, Easter is a major event! Jesus rose from the dead!!

5. Traditional foods are part of the big day. Menus are planned, ingredients purchased, and for several days we are busy preparing breads, breakfast foods, cakes, cookies, etc. More time and effort? You bet!! The kids watch and get involved. Something really important is going to happen and the excitement builds! Easter will be celebrated soon and we better be ready!

6. Music. Resurrection hymns at the piano. A simple children’s song (“Jesus is alive,” the angels say. “Be glad! Be glad, this Easter Day!”)

Easter morning begins early.

1. We wake the children with traditional greetings: “Hallelujah! Christ is risen!” They respond with: “He is risen indeed!”

2. Donning our robes we head downstairs for the annual treasure hunt. The night before, clues have been written (one for each child, written with their particular age level in mind) and hidden around the house. One by one they are discovered, each leading to the next. The final clue will take the whole crew to the stash of baskets laden with sweet treats. How exciting!

3. Breakfast of traditional Cheese Braid begins. During the meal, gifts are shared — a book, a CD, a simple piece of jewelry.

4. Off we go to get dressed and head to church to celebrate with the brethren. Hallelujah! This is the highlight — songs of rejoicing and victory!

5. Home once again, we partake of Easter dinner with its traditional breads, cakes and veggies. Main dishes seem to vary around here, trying new recipes regularly. The tables are set with our best china, decorated with flowers and lit candles. We typically invite lots of guests — families and individuals joining our celebration as we give thanks to God for His sacrifice and victory on our behalf!

The end of the day comes and we revel in the beauty of the celebration. Easter has become a special season in our home, warm and bright, reflective and meaningful. It is one of my favorites!

Our celebrations each year haven’t been identical. There have been lunch time celebrations when Dad is able to squeeze an hour free in the middle of the day to come home. (I remember tuna or egg salad sandwiches made fancy by removing the center of the top piece of bread with a heart-shaped cookie cutter on those years.) Sometimes schedules dictate a breakfast or dinner celebration. But whatever the meal that we designate for our Valentine’s Day celebration, there were some constants that we can always look forward to:

1. Heart-shaped pink, red & white homemade place cards that were reused each year to decorate the table
2. Simple $-store Valentine’s Day paper cups filled to the brim with an assortment of holiday candy.
3. Family members gathering around dressed prettily in pinks, reds & whites.
4. A card at each place setting that both Mom and Dad took the time to write a special note in.

Most years there are frosted sugar cookies that we decorate as simply as time necessitates. Sometimes there’s something special like pink lemonade or heart-shaped paper doilies on the serving plates. When we were little, we siblings often made Valentines for each other, and sometimes one or two of us will still find the time to write notes on cut and pasted red hearts.

But whatever the meal– breakfast, lunch or dinner– the food comes only after reading our cards from Mom and Dad and then spending a few minutes sharing our appreciation of and gratitude for one another. This sharing is the sort of tradition that can never be repeated too often, and so many of our holidays, family gatherings, and regular meals begin with expressing words of love and thankfulness. Valentine’s Day, of all days of the year, is the choicest of times for this kind of communication.

Maybe our love for such a pretty and chocolate-y celebration is in part because we’re girls (and what girl doesn’t like pink and chocolate?!), but I think our whole family, even the male contingent, has come to cherish this day as an opportunity to say, “I love you.” After all, for us this day has come to represent far more than just pretty colors and candy: it’s a perfect chance to intentionally share our love for and commitment to one another.

Now, granted, we don’t feel a natural inclination to celebrate everyday (and some are even less inclined than others!) But we need to reclaim the art of celebrating if we have not already done so. Take time to celebrate. Invest your energy and creativity. It is worth it.

Christians need to be well versed in two kinds of celebration: spontaneous and planned. We should be prepared to have a “hallelujah” party on the spot for a child, a brother or sister, and even ourselves! Perhaps someone has just received a great score on a test, gotten that long awaited job, successfully performed their first piano recital for the public, or made it on base every time at bat! Pull out the balloons, take a trip to Sergi’s (our family’s favorite pizza place), invite friends over and have some cake, whatever! Just lay hold of the opportunity to celebrate His goodness and to let them know how special they are to you. God lets us know how special we are to Him. We need to do the same for each other, so make their special moment big! Magnify Him in it!

Planned celebrations are just as important. Human nature is prone to forget His past faithfulness; establishing traditional celebrations provides an opportunity to reflect on His goodness.

Children love traditions. I have found over the years that if you do something two years in a row it becomes an established tradition in their young minds. After all, two years is a large percentage of their lives. Consequently I would hear the words, “But we’ve always done it this way!” even when I hadn’t thought of it as a tradition yet!

Traditions create opportunities to teach and instruct children in your testimony and faith, as well as personally stir up a fresh appreciation for what He has done.

Sometimes Christians get caught up on what to celebrate, feeling that only the truly “religious” events merit such attention. May I remind us all that He saved us to the uttermost. Our whole life is to be holy and consecrated. There is no part of what we experience from which He is separate. He created life itself, so celebrate life! He created our gifts, so celebrate our gifts! He taught us diligence, so celebrate someone’s diligence! Just celebrate His goodness in all its forms, which are plentiful in our lives.

Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice!

Blessed are the people who know the joyful sound! They walk, O Lord, in the light of Your countenance.

We should be the people that know the joyful sound. We should be rejoicing! So let’s celebrate our children. Let’s celebrate each other. Let’s celebrate Him!

Magnify Him in our lives and all He’s done. He is worthy!

Well, that’s the topic of a new little series we’ll be hosting in this corner of the world. There will be ideas, recipes, pictures, you name it!

Growing up, we definitely loved our traditions. Now, here’s the deal: some families are more naturally into traditions than others. Some personalities love the idea of “we always do it this way!” Others, maybe not.

But here’s the thing: taking the time and effort to establish some significant traditions is a golden opportunity for you to impart to your family. The things my parents instated spoke to us about the importance of God, the worth of certain events, and our own value. Traditions aren’t just about warm fuzzies or good memories (although I don’t mind a sentimental memory now and then, for sure!). They’re another opportunity to shape your family — and that’s worth doing!

Sometimes the idea of traditions can feel very burdensome, and there certainly are some things to keep in mind:

First, traditions are meant to be a blessing. Yes, they take work and effort and all of that good stuff. Stockings don’t magically fill themselves; parents stay up till the wee hours in order to accomplish such “magic.” Leg-o-lamb doesn’t just appear on the table after the Easter service; a mother carefully planned and prepped and timed that event! BUT if you’re continually frustrated or burned out feeling like you have to keep up with some Universal Tradition, well, reevaluate!

Second, choose traditions that you think are realistic. Mom was always careful of what she did once, because that’s all it took for us to think we should do it every year (or every birthday, or whatever.) Well, for instance, birthdays: Mom and Dad established a pattern of “big” parties at our 5th, 10th, 13th, and 16th birthdays, as opposed to every year. They were thinking ahead, for sure. I mean, can you imagine nine huge birthday parties every year? Throw in a few holidays here and there, and you’ve got a burned out Mama!!

Third, choose traditions that have meaning. Get bang for your buck! Simple things, though, can communicate a world of importance. Lighting candles and reading the Christmas Story on Christmas Eve: does it get any easier, cheaper, or more special than that?

Lastly, remember that you’re not a slave to traditions. Life happens, seasons change, and sometimes even with your best effort, the fancy party food has to go. We’ve been known to have Christmas dinner the day after… or even the week after! Those are the moments when you get to remind everyone that traditions are just a way of remembering what truly matters!

Hopefully we’ll all be encouraged and inspired as this little series unfolds. If you tend to poo-poo traditions, I hope we’ll be able to share some of the value they’ve had in our families. If you’re not from a background of sound family traditions, maybe you’ll find the starting blocks to establish such things in your own family.

Most of all, I hope we’re all challenged to work hard to instill the important things in our children’s hearts, and in the fabric of our family. Whether they’re the daily traditions or yearly traditions, tangible reminders of what truly matters are worth our effort.

1. I knew I wasn’t expecting as much of my children as they were capable of in terms of helping around the house, but I didn’t want to just start assigning things that would become burdensome to them. I felt an established system would help us all be on the same page as I challenged them to do more.
2. I needed to do a better job at intentionally teaching them household chores and felt that a system would hold me accountable.
3. At their ages, I feel that incentives can be a useful tool for teaching them that work really does bless us. In time, they will certainly be expected to do things around the house simply understanding that their contribution brings other rewards (like peace, order, and a sense of accomplishment), but for now, I feel like tangible rewards are appropriate and helpful.

This is how our system works:

First, I assigned a number of different, age- and skill-appropriate chores to Gabriel and Bronwyn.

Then I printed and laminated pictures that go with each chore, affixing a magnetic strip to the back. These are kept in a small envelope that is taped to a metal door in the kitchen (which allows the magnets to work somewhere other than the refrigerator).

Each morning (or the night before, if I’m really on the ball!), I take out the chores that will need to be done that day and put them under the “Do” tag. I still very much take responsibility for making sure the children are being reminded to do their chores and to assist as necessary (i.e. their laundry can’t be put away if I haven’t washed and dried it), but the kids are increasingly familiar with thinking ahead and being proactive.

At the end of the day, assuming they have done all their chores and have done them instantly, cheerfully and thoroughly, they are given a check mark.

(Both Gabriel and Bronwyn had one day each when they didn’t get a check mark because their attitudes about the work were poor– crying and whining and complaining– and it seemed to have left quite the impression because neither one has had to lose a check mark due to lack of cheerfulness since then!)

When they have filled their reward box with check marks, they get to draw a “coupon” from a jar. These coupons are little slips of paper on which I wrote out various rewards: have a friend over, pick out dinner one night, rent a movie, go on an errand with Daddy, get ice cream, etc.

We’ve been utilizing this system for about 3 months now and so far it has been a tremendous blessing! The kids anticipate future rewards even more now that they’ve achieved some. I find that the presence of the magnets all over the door really does keep me accountable to continue training them in the basics of work: how to do the tasks properly, what sort of attitude we ought to have, and that there is great joy in serving the Lord through it all.

On a very practical note, my favorite part of this particular system is that I’ve been able to add new chores simply by printing and laminating a new image and tucking it in the appropriate envelope. There is no major overhaul involved in changing things.

If we finished the chores each morning for a about three or four weeks, we could get something special. Mom had a jar in the pantry with a bunch of little cards that had special things written on them. Candy, a video, ice cream, a new Barbie Doll outfit, or something like that was written on each card. These were our rewards for being diligent and responsible with our chores.

I started doing these chores a few months before I started school. I think I was around 5. Mom would help me do the chores for a few weeks but after a little while I felt comfortable doing them by myself (with the exception of my hair. Mom would never let me do that by myself). I loved the feeling of being able to get ready in the morning myself. It gave me the feeling of independence without me forgetting that it took work.

Motivational tactics often come to mind when considering older children (ages 7 - 12 and up) but let me first say that by the age of 12 your children can be almost ready to run a home without you! Granted, they may be a bit emotionally challenged and their spiritual reservoir may not have the store needed for such endeavors long term, but they should be able to manage for a day or two without you. Make that your goal and it will help you carve out a plan for training them which includes cooking, cleaning, and minimal laundry (in a pinch!)

I’ll never forget leaving my two babes (toddler and infant) with a 15 year old girl one evening. Upon returning home the house was quiet and orderly, leaving me to assume the evening had gone quite smoothly. When questioned, the young girl nonchalantly mentioned that the girls had been sick. Each one had vomited in their beds.

“Where are they now?” I gasped with horror. “Oh, once I got them cleaned up, they both fell asleep easily. I think it left them tired out,” came her wise-beyond-her-years response.

Further investigation led me to discover that this young girl changed both beds, bathed and dressed both girls, settled them, and had the sheets already in the wash. Pretty amazing. She would be called on again, I decided. And I also decided that I wanted my girls to bless the folks they babysit for in similar ways.

Motivation:
1. Bible study — See Louissa’s post if you want to learn the value of scripture for imparting lasting principles. There are numerous verses throughout Proverbs which reveal the benefit and the call to industry. Our greatest hope and aspiration is to see our child’s heart longing to please Him. Showing them His heart is our great privilege.

2. Charts — Purchase a book such as 401 Ways to Get Your Kids to Work At Home or search online for creative approaches to charts and chore systems. Parents and children will both benefit from using charts. Having a chart or system in place saves you from having to reinvent the wheel each morning as you try to figure out what to have them do that day. They benefit from having a “heads up” as to what is expected of them. They went to bed knowing and wake up with an idea in mind. It is most respectful to give them fair warning as to what the day holds. Of course, it goes without saying that the chart represents the minimum. Mom or Dad probably will have extras for them to do as well, but this is a good way to create a stable, consistent atmosphere. If they go 2-3 days without doing much of anything, then Mom has an attack of inspiration that sends them flying after brooms and dust cloths, they may feel resentful. They are emotionally jerked around. Let’s face it; learning to work crucifies the flesh and that is not easy for any of us. Chances are if you are assigning work in a whimsical fashion it is because you have not learned self-discipline. Ah, yes. It always comes back to us, doesn’t it? There is nothing more inspiring than parenting — if you desire your children to grow in discipline and hard work, guess who else needs to grow in that area as well? Yup, you guessed it!

3. Rewards — There is some controversy regarding this concept, and I for one don’t tend to dole out allowances and paychecks (after all, I don’t get one…) But at the same time, human nature is motivated by reward. If heaven were not a great reward, I wonder how many of us would keep pressing on. If hubby didn’t get a paycheck, would he still punch that clock in such a timely fashion? If there was no diploma at the end of the class, would we finish all those assignments? Rewards such as “Lunch with Daddy or Mom”, “Your choice of video on Friday night”, “Have a friend over”, “Make cookies with Mom” (or Nana), “Overnight with Nana and Papa”, etc. These are not costly rewards — the possibilities are limited only by your imagination, so let it loose! As your kids grow older, they will begin to understand (with your instruction) that the rewards gained through labor in the home are order, a pleasant home to welcome their friends, and growing privileges outside of the home.

Once again let me refer you to 401 Ways… for one final encouragement. In the appendix of this book is a list of all kinds of things that would be beneficial for a child passing into adulthood to know — balancing checkbooks, changing a tire, simple auto mechanics (I had to pass on teaching that one), simple carpentry, sewing basics, computer skills, etc. They included some things that I would not have considered.

Preparing children for a happy, successful, fulfilling adulthood necessarily includes training them to work and to work well. In another post we will examine some scriptures which will lend a sure foundation to these practical thoughts.

Of course, it’s important to pick jobs that our children can do; we don’t want to frustrate them. But we shouldn’t underestimate the abilities of our children either, and we must be careful that we’re not so nit-picky about things being “just so” that we can’t share with them the invaluable opportunity of learning to work around the house.

Here are some ideas of things your preschoolers can be learning to do:

1. put pajamas away
2. make bed
3. undress self
4. comb hair
5. wash face & hands
6. brush teeth
7. tidy up bedroom
8. pick up toys
9. empty hamper, put clothes in wash area
10. wipe up a spill
11. pick up trash in yard
12. dust furniture
13. sweep floors (using a hand broom & dustpan)
14. empty silverware from dishwasher or dish rack
15. put away clean laundry
16. set table
17. clear table
18. empty wastebaskets
19. fold washcloths and dishtowels
20. tidy shoes in mudroom/entry room

Now, you may look at this list and think there is no way your 3- or 4-year-old can accomplish most of these things. Begin by teaching the simple things first: care for themselves and their belongings– brushing teeth, putting pajamas away, tidying toys, making beds– is a great place to start. Once they get accustomed to that, additional chores and tasks comes more naturally.

And remember that though at first it might be easier to do the job yourself, as you are faithful to teach and train, you are not only working yourself out of certain tasks, you are setting the foundation for an understanding and application of hard work and diligence.