Mom and Us » Question of the Week

Babies and sleep

Darlene Sinclair — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 20:01:57 +0000

This topic of how to get babies to sleep through the night may once have been addressed simply, but in our culture full of overly developed attempts to “methodize” motherhood, it has become complex. The question, for me, was not so much “how” as “should” a baby be sleeping through the night within a certain time frames. There are a variety of thoughts regarding that concern.

I tend to be one who is not eager to get my babies to sleep through the night. Although this is the goal of some methods, after much exploration, contemplation, and examination I concluded that it was not a necessary goal for me. My primary concern was to discover God’s plan for a woman’s cycles, fertility, pregnancy, breastfeeding, introduction of whole foods, etc.

We must begin to dabble with all of these things when exploring this topic, since they are so interrelated.

Because I was persuaded that God was the Creator of each individual life, I felt a conviction to release my womb to His plan and purpose (we will discuss that in greater detail some other time.) God is a proponent of abundant life in every way, including the creation of new life. Yet, in His wisdom He created a woman’s body to have seasons of infertility, one of those seasons being tied to full time breastfeeding. If His plan is to have lots of babies, we could just skip breastfeeding, go right to bottle feeding, and be fertile much sooner. But this is not how He created us. We were the intended provider of nutrition. Scientists and medical doctors all agree - breast milk cannot be replicated and is the perfect food for human babies. Amazing but true! What God created works best!

Since that is the case, we should consider breastfeeding our babies unless there a is strong reason for bottle feeding.

Studies also showed that a woman’s body needs time to rest and recuperate from the demanding process of growing a baby during pregnancy. Perhaps God had a reason for causing full time breastfeeding to halt a woman’s fertility cycle. Amazing but true once again!

A fabulous book, Breast Is Best, happened my way as I was studying these issues, sometime between baby number three and four. Although written from a secular perspective, the findings backed scripture to a “t”. Women who experienced fewer menstrual cycles were better off. Studies found they encountered less breast cancer, ovarian cancer, hormonal swings, and had an easier transition into menopause. Well, that was interesting. Maybe having babies often, and prolonging a return to fertility through full time nursing, had more going for it than we realized.

So what does this have to do with babies sleeping through the night? Here’s the stat: In general, a woman’s cycle can be triggered by a single 8 hour stretch with no nursing. That caused me to step back a bit.

After having trouble with baby number three nursing enough to maintain growth, I had been investigating eating/sleeping patterns. I had already determined that I would not use pacifiers. (That was the trouble with baby number 3 - she was readily contented with a pacifier and soon was not sucking often enough to stimulate the needed increase in my milk supply. I wasn’t about to let that happen again.) (Now don’t go jumping to the conclusion that I am saying it is bad to use pacifiers. Plenty of women do and have no trouble. I just happened to run into problems and was not willing to do so again.)

Because of my heightened awareness of supply and demand effects regarding breastfeeding, I was already happy to nurse my baby off and on throughout the night. Now I discovered an additional benefit — that it also would help lengthen my season of infertility. Was this God’s way of making sure our bodies could regroup? I began to think so.

Is there an absolute guarantee that your season of infertility will lengthen? No. Every body is unique. But the vast majority respond in this manner to breastfeeding.

Please consider reading a portion (page 3) of this article by Nancy Campbell (and if you are really interested in this topic, read it all!)

Scripture would indicate that the breast is not only a supply of nutrition but of comfort and solace for your babe. Understanding that he will not be spoiled is essential. I heard a young mother exclaim one day that she “felt like nothing more than a cow” because all her baby wanted to do was nurse. How unfortunate that she was unable to understand that her babe found deep comfort in her arms, at her breast. What a privilege! Who can understand what needs a young baby has? Only God knows such mysteries. I will trust Him for His provision of comfort to His babes through mothers who are willing to provide such consolation, even as an act of faith, trusting in His plan, not always knowing why, and certainly not receiving encouragement from the culture around them.

I have barely scratched the surface of so many issues here. In time, we will visit them in greater detail. For now, I simply wanted to introduce some heartfelt reasons for why I approach the topic of “getting babies to sleep through the night” as I do. It is “up for grabs” I know, but I do want to encourage women to search out His ways, know why you do what you do, and develop a Biblical paradigm for your choices, whatever those choices may be for you. This is true discipleship!

And one more thought: we are never too old to learn. Be ready always to grow in your knowledge of Him. Do your best today with choices and decisions, but be willing to have your understanding challenged tomorrow, should God choose to meddle with your thoughts! He is Lord of all — even such thoughts as these.

Singleness and scheduling

Danica Dunphey — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 11:45:55 +0000

So, after a few posts about cleaning schedules and daily routines, I began thinking about my life before marriage, and how important self-discipline with time was to me. Believe it or not, schedules are not just for married folk. Not at all!

Some people are more attracted to plans, routines, and budgets (for time or money). Whether your personality naturally tends towards the orderly, or if you’re one of those whose skin crawls when you hear the word “plan”, let me suggest some reasons for why I believe every single woman needs to implement some self-discipline in her day.

First of all, God saw fit to stick us in this strange thing called Time. I think part of His wisdom in doing that is this: time forces us to make choices all day long, and with those choices, we have the opportunity to prioritize. Yes, what you do with you time is your decision, and it is a telling way to find what your true priorities are. At a conference I attended several years ago, the speaker challenged us to track our days for one whole week — and then make a pie chart of our findings. While I may have had illusions of how spiritual and selfless my life was, a pie chart with large wedges of media intake and “huh, what did I do with that hour?” indicated otherwise! Time, while it may not always feel like our friend, is a great way to measure what’s important to us, and what is ruling our lives.

Which leads me to this: by default, we will always cave to the tyranny of the urgent. Having a routine/schedule means that first things remain first, and don’t get squeezed out by what can (at that moment) seem soooo important.

A schedule also means that there are less hours just sort of… disappearing into thin air. If you struggle (as most of us do) with a touch of laziness now and then, a schedule will do wonders for you.

We all want to live lives of purpose. We want to be redeeming the time. And I know that personally, when I was single, I wanted desperately to know that I wasn’t wasting energetic, passion-filled years. Scheduling gives you the chance to ask God to give meaning to your days.

Hear are some tips I found helpful as I regularly reevaluated my life:

1. Create a list of priorities. Put the big rocks in first, and you’ll be amazed to find that there still is room for plenty of little pebbles.

These may include things like:

– quiet time/Bible study
– work/school
– church
– family (if you’re a young woman living at home, this is worth putting high on your list!)
– relationships (and prioritize those, too; not all relationships are created equal)
– hospitality (married woman are not the only ones called to open their homes!)
– exercise
– life maintenance: cleaning, laundry, breathing room!

2. Budget REAL time, not wishful thinking. Don’t cram 30 hours of activity into one 24 hour day, and just hope those extra hours magically appear. Sit down with an actual piece of paper, divided up into hours and days, and make a schedule. And don’t forget things like driving time (I’m famous for thinking I can leave my house at 10:30 for a 10:30 appointment. Details!)

3. Budget REAL time with the REAL you in mind. Know yourself. Don’t try to keep up with someone else’s schedule. Ask God what He wants from you.

I would, for example, fill a day’s schedule up till 11pm, and start the next day at 5:30am. By the time I actually got to bed, that meant about 5.5 hours of sleep every night. Amazingly, I could make this work for weeks on end, but inevitably, my body would crash at the first “down” opportunity, and I’d get sick. Not ideal.

So ask yourself: do you need more than 5.5 hours of sleep? Be ready to be stretched, but don’t let idealism thwart your attempts at scheduling your time.

Know your emotional limits. Just because you have a free hour on paper doesn’t mean your soul can handle one more activity, no matter how noble the cause.

4. Use a day-timer or calendar of some sort. In other words, write it down. A single person is more apt to have random appointments… and is apt to double-book. You don’t want to do that! It’s irresponsible, inconsiderate, and contributes to a sense of spinning out of control. Trust me, I KNOW!

Singleness is a unique calling. For most of us, it’s just a season — and it’s a season that so many people in our culture squander. Don’t be one of those! Take those hours and days to the Lord and be ready to serve Him and His priorities. You’ll be amazed at how much purpose He can give to a life lived intentionally for Him.

(Have a question you’d like to see discussed? Shoot it our way via the contact form, and we’ll do our best to answer!)

Daily Routines

Brietta Paladin — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 02:03:09 +0000

This week we received a follow-up question to some thoughts we shared on routine housekeeping: Regarding a daily schedule, what should happen at “this” time or how should our time be broken down to be more effective?

I think we as people tend toward routine and even crave it– some more than others, of course. (I would be one of those who craves it… :) Growing up, if we did something twice (sometimes even just once!), it was Tradition! As a mom, it’s interesting to note my children establishing their own methods and routines for things: how to eat a sandwich, where to sit when a movie is watched, what order they will brush their teeth in, etc.

Here are a few blessings I think come from having a measure of routine in our days:

1. Better Prioritizing

1. Stability

2. Productivity

3. Spontaneity

Having considered some of the blessings of routines, we are faced with the question of how to establish daily routines. There isn’t a pat answer because what works well for me might not work well for you, and vice versa. Also true is the fact that what works well for me now very well may not work well in a few months. We are changing people living in changing environments. Certainly we can be inspired by and learn from one another, but we need the heart of God regarding how to invest our time.

I recommend that you begin by considering your goal. What does God want your days to look like? If you’re married, talk with your husband about what’s important to him in a day, such as shared meals or family devotions or playtime with the kids. Determine your own hopes and priorities. And figure out the most important things first. If Gabriel used play-doh at the same time each day but I wasn’t getting a chance to shower, I’d be frustrated, to say the least!

As for how you maintain daily routines, there is no “right” way. Personally, I like to work through my day like it’s a flow chart. The only things I really attach specific times to are waking/sleeping (including naps) and meals, and even then it’s not entirely uncommon for me to put the kids down for naps at 1:30 or even 2pm instead of 1pm like I aim for. After establishing those more time-specific things, I simply aim for doing other things in a particular order around those times.

For example, in the morning I wake up, have my quiet time, dress the kids, shower and dress myself, make breakfast. One day you might come over and find that we’ve woken up extra early and I’m showered at 7am with laundry started and muffins in the oven baking. Another day you’ll find me with my wet hair wrapped in a towel as I help Gabriel set the table at 8am. Either way, I can almost guarantee that everyone will be dressed for the day before we sit down at the table, because that’s a routine that’s important to me because it helps me feel more ambitious and motivated.

This is what works for me. As you establish your own routines, be sensitive to and prioritize the people in your life– husband and children, roommates, parents, etc.– so that your daily routine includes their needs and hopes. Understand your limitations and your unique abilities. And, above all, ask the Lord what He would have you doing with your days and how He would have you do it.

See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil.

Routine Housekeeping

Brietta Paladin — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 23:32:41 +0000

This week I’m sharing a thought in response to a question we received recently about establishing routines and schedules around the home: “I am really struggling to set up a schedule for my young family of three… I feel like if I could just get together a schedule things would go so much smoother and my husband would come home to a happier environment in the evenings. I was wondering if you moms could give a few suggestions or samples.”

Whenever people come to my house, it isn’t long before they’ve stopped in front of the refrigerator and are reading my Housekeeping Schedule. Questions usually follow, especially from male parties who spy out this slip of paper (you’d think it was written in a foreign language, it’s so mysterious to them!).

Having a weekly housekeeping routine was something I began shortly after my second child, Bronwyn, came along. I remember well those first several weeks after her birth. While they were blissful in their own right and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, it wasn’t all pretty. I had an 18-month-old and a newborn to take care of and, consequently, the house was getting far too neglected during the weekdays. We put up with a progressive mess day after day and then on the weekend, when Daniel was home from work and could help care for the kids, I turned into Crazy Woman, running around the house with dust cloths and window cleaner and toilet brushes. It wasn’t a working system, not for any of us. I would cry all week long about how messy everything was, and then I would totally neglect my husband when he was around because I was too busy catching up on all the things I needed to do.

That was when it dawned on me that chore charts don’t have to only be something a mom assigns to her children, but are also something I can assign to myself. Right away, I put together a plan, and then I started putting it to action.

The amazing thing?

It worked! When I didn’t try to complete all the jobs that needed to be done in one day– which almost always resulted in my little ones feeling neglected and/or getting into mischief while I melted into a bucket of frustrated tears– but instead tackled them in bite-size chunks, by the end of the week, my house was altogether rather clean. Suddenly, coming home from vacation or ending a whirlwind weekend didn’t mean discouragement on Monday morning as I took a look at how disheveled things were. I knew that if I just started doing my chores each day, by Friday things would be back to normal. I also knew that if a kid-tastrophe happened on Tuesday, cleaning the bathroom was on the schedule again in 3 days, so I could just let it go in order to tend to my little ones.

This is my current Housekeeping Schedule:

Monday:

Tuesday:

Wednesday:

Thursday:

Friday:

Saturday:

I make a new Housekeeping Schedule 3-4x/year. This helps me regularly re-evaluate what days I have time for what sorts of jobs and it keeps things fresh so that I don’t get lazy and stop following it. I also use this schedule to draw from when I am making chore charts for Gabriel and Bronwyn who, at 5 and 3 (almost 4, she daily reminds us!) years old, are able to do small jobs around the house with me (i.e. folding diapers, sweeping the kitchen, dusting, etc.).

Each day when I get up, I make my daily To Do list after checking to see what chores are on my schedule. In addition to what’s scheduled, I list the miscellaneous things I need to accomplish, such as refilling Aubrey’s Rx, returning books to the library, making a birthday cake, and watering the garden. My Housekeeping Schedule provides the big picture framework so that I can better prioritize and order my days.

This schedule is one of a handful things that truly does help me keep my life and home ordered, but when all is said and done, it’s a tool and nothing more. I don’t cater to the schedule; I make the schedule to cater to my family’s needs. The important thing is taking care of the housekeeping element of homemaking so that I still have plenty of time and a peaceful environment for the cuddling, reading-aloud, and quality time elements of homemaking!

A few more questions on discipline

Danica Dunphey — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:22:35 +0000

All right, a little bit of Q and A clean up here on the discipline topic (unless, of course, you’ve got a question that hasn’t been answered, which you should send in, by all means!)

I’m the admitted rookie, but here goes my best attempt! (Actually, I’m sort of cheating; my answers are all things I learned from my parents!)

You know the 12-month-old (younger or older) is throwing a self-centered fit, but because of his/her age and inability to effectively communicate, Mom and Dad do not know how to nip it in the bud. Any advice?

First of all, as the parent, you know when your baby’s fit is a major display of attitude. (Attitudes, in case you don’t know, precede the skill of speech development by light years.) But since this young child doesn’t necessarily know what you mean by, “No fits!,” here’s an idea (which works for all sorts of communication sans English):

Say very clearly, “No, no,” and then act out the behavior they just displayed. Make the angry face, arch your back, make a screaming sound — whatever. Then say again, “No. Bad attitude. No.” Perhaps you feel like you need to repeat this for a few instances, but at some point, they will quickly put two and two together, and when their fit is met with a spank, will quickly understand that they’re out of bounds.

(By the way, for a truly humorous experience, catch my dad acting out a tantrum.)

This communication through gestures works well for many things. Learning the command “Come,” teaching how to be gentle or not touch — so many things. We use it without thinking to teach things like walking, stacking blocks, holding a crayon, etc. Your baby will understand just as well when it’s used to communicate a boundary in behavior.

On training babies — how soon? What’s appropriate?

There’s no magic number here, and certainly no one method, either. I will say that babies are quick to learn, and using your instinct, you probably will be able to figure out what they’re capable of.

Most training begins when a baby begins to get around on their own. I, for one, didn’t do much to “childproof” my home, but neither did I want Jameson to learn boundaries at the expense of his safety. (Like, you know, I put safety plugs in the outlets rather than expecting him to always obey and never stick his little finger in there.) Most of his early training had to do with his own safety. If he touched something I didn’t want him to touch, I would move his hand, say, “No no,” and then the next time, flick his hand. He learned quickly what the boundaries were, and how he could enjoy his explorations while still being safe.

A lot of “baby” training requires discernment, and a good dose of confidence, too. I could tell the difference, for instance, between squirming while being changed because he’d spotted a toy out of the corner of his eye (in which case I would often grab the toy and give it to him to hold, much to his delight!), or squirming because he was upset about having to lay down (in which case I would swat his little thigh and so, “no.”)

With a young child who’s just learning the ropes, you want to make a quick connection between behavior and consequence (thus, flick the hand when he touches a no-no; the thigh when he’s kicking his legs.) And you’re not entering into a full-on discipline session here. You’re just trying to teach your baby the meaning of “no,” and that he is to obey you (and not the other way around!)

Continued Thoughts on Discipline, Part 2

Brietta Paladin — Wed, 28 May 2008 18:03:52 +0000

We continue to receive questions regarding the how’s, why’s and when’s of discipline. Today I will do my best to tackle three more:

1. When do you administer a spanking; what infractions deserve what kind of punishment?There is no black and white instruction in the Bible on exactly what actions and behaviors require a spanking– God hasn’t laid out exact scenarios. This is because God is wise: He creates each person to be unique, and He knows that no two homes look identical, no two parents are identical, and no two children act identically. Instead, He gives us principles to live by that help us make decisions at every point and time.

The chief principle I see in the Word on when to administer discipline is when confronting rebellion. There are the obvious signs of rebellion: foot stomping, talking back, a total disregard of what you just said, and that defiant toddler exclamation, “NO!” There are also times when the actual infraction is against another party or breaking a “house rule” but its root has become rebellion because you have clearly communicated and taught that they are to behave otherwise.

The infractions that deserve a spanking in your home might be different than the infractions that deserve a spanking in my home. Some of you might not mind if your kids jump on the beds. I mind, and so my children are taught that they are not allowed to jump on the bed and that they are disobeying Mama if they do so. I remember growing up and making the excuse to Mom that So-and-So got to do certain things that we weren’t allowed to do. I didn’t think I ought to get in trouble for something that another child didn’t. That’s when Mom would say, “God didn’t give So-and-So to me and Daddy; He gave you to us. He knows what He’s doing. If you were So-and-So’s child, you would have a whole different set of rules, but you’re my child. And God must know that you need these rules.” This reinforced the principle that God is sovereign, it reminded me that Mom and Dad’s authority came from God, and it taught me not to envy or covet another’s situation.

2. How do you handle situations when your child immediately repents after sinning, and you discern that its because he/she wants to avoid spankings?
Repentance/forgiveness and consequences are separate issues. God is merciful and gracious, and there are times when we repent and He rescues us from the consequences that naturally follow our sin. This isn’t always the case, though.

There is a dear, dear man I have gotten the chance to know who lived a homosexual lifestyle years ago before he became a believer. His repentance has been genuine and he praises Christ for the forgiveness he has been given. But he still has HIV. There remain consequences.

I wholeheartedly believe there are times when we as parents will be led by the Spirit to mercifully release our child from the consequences of his behavior. We must also teach him, however, that our words and actions have repercussions. As a general rule, I suggest that when your child repents after sinning, acknowledge that apology (however insincere you discern it to be) and extend forgiveness, and then gently explain that his words/actions were wrong and that there will still be consequences.

3. How do you spank in public?
The goal of spanking isn’t embarrassment or humiliation. I think it’s very important that our discipline always be done with respect, kindness, one-on-one communication, and rational teaching. Whether you’re in your own home, with friends, at the grandparents’ house, or at church, seek out a private place to work through issues with your child. In Mom’s post on Administering the Rod, she laid out a process that can easily be transfered from home to other places because it demonstrates respect and privacy.

Speaking from personal experience, we have found that when we are out and about, we think very carefully before we vocalize expectations. It’s important that we not issue commands that we aren’t prepared to follow through on due to the environment and situation we’re in. This is not to say that there aren’t times when we are out and discipline needs to take place (because there are, and that’s often when we as parents have to get creative in order to get one-on-one with our child), but simply to note that teaching and training ideally happens at home, where we’re able to withdraw to a private place with our child and not cause undue humiliation and embarrassment to him.

Being out and about can get tricky, particularly when we’re in public areas such as grocery stores, baseball games, museums, playgrounds, etc. As parents, we ought to strive to do the right thing for our children according to our conscience. Dealing with issues in a private, discreet and non-humiliating way might mean that we relocate to a different place in order to have the needed privacy (return to the privacy of the car, for example). In the case of older children, it might mean postponing the discussion time and discipline for a short time until we are in a place where we can process things properly.

In the end, there is no replacement for the Lord directing our hearts as we deal with the sin of our children. He is their Heavenly Father and is even more committed to their growth than we are! I can recall situations when I was a child and my parents deviated from the normal and expected course of action. There was no doubt in my mind then that they did so because they felt something different was the right thing for that moment; I am certain now that the Spirit was leading them and showing them exactly what was necessary to most thoroughly show me the Gospel. Be ready to be led by the Spirit and recognize the guidance of the Lord as you shepherd your children. Incline your heart to Him and He will undoubtedly speak to you.

Continued Thoughts on Discipline

Darlene Sinclair — Thu, 22 May 2008 18:18:05 +0000

We continue to receive questions on this important issue — important to us because we recognize the weighty responsibility and the limited resource of time. If we could experiment, trying different tactics again and again, with no loss of time, that would be one thing. But if we
are at all astute, we realize that we need to apply principles today, knowing that we will not have today again. That, my friends, can be a bit scary.

How grateful I am for the Word of God at just such times. And what a source of peace is the knowledge that He will never leave me or forsake me, that He will be my teacher, my supply of grace, and a fount of never-ending mercy! Just as He is everything I need, so He is everything my child will ever need. What cause this is for rejoicing! What a refuge for this oft-times weary heart!

So, as a pastor of mine used to say, “Don’t get down, get serious.”

It’s time to continue looking to God for His truth, putting aside carnal wisdom and accepting the pure stuff of the Word. This is no time to experiment (who can dare experiment with something as precious as your child’s heart?) At times like these I refuse to be deterred from embracing the simple words of scripture. I reject attempts to discredit the unadulterated Word. I will not allow His principles to become difficult. They were made for me for help and guidance. They were not intended to be out of reach, confusing, incomprehensible, unattainable. Through His indwelling Holy Spirit and child-like faith I can learn, apply, and succeed. So can you. Review the scriptures once again. Do not be daunted, trust Him implicitly, take His yoke, and let’s go!

Questions we’ve received:

1. How old is too old for spankings? How young is too young?

There are no absolutes. Leaning upon your intuition, your sense of what is good and right for this particular child, is essential. That said, I will encourage you to think beyond the cultural normative.

A 12 month old (and maybe even younger) is capable of learning not to touch, not to bite, not to climb, etc. When they do something you don’t want them doing, clearly state the rule (”No biting.” or “No touch!”) Demonstrate the action and shake your head to establish that simple form of communication. If and when they do the unwanted action again, repeat all the above and flick the back of their hand so that there is an immediate consequence. Two or three times is usually all it takes. In time a simple shaking of your head will clue them in. Of course, there will be exceptions to this — some are stubborn, some don’t seem to comprehend, some melt into tears when you simply look at them somewhat sternly. You must learn to know them and act accordingly.

When do children outgrow spankings? There is no magic number. We are looking to establish them in respectful obedience. Foolish behavior needs to be weeded out. If your 12-16 year old is still struggling with an issue, prayer, Bible study, and various removals of privileges should all be employed, but at some point you may feel there is a need for physical discipline. That will be up to you. Nothing in the Bible indicates an age limit. Once again, it must be preceded by instruction, dialogue, and prayer. Physical discipline is always to be done in a context of building communication and love.

2. What if they don’t ever seem to understand?

I will repeat here the need to be sensitive to the Spirit. Sometimes lack of comprehension is genuine; other times it is a convenient cover-up for willful disobedience.
If your child genuinely does not understand, try other means of communicating. Act out the offense, point it out consistently. Is he learning some things but not others? Perhaps there is a deeper need being communicated. Here’s an example from my own experience.

Our children were taught to stay on their beds at naptime and bedtime. One child, however, consistently broke this rule. She stayed on her bed when first put there, but long after the kid’s “lights out” time she would come to our room. We would put her back to bed, repeating this with a spanking. After several nights of this behavior, I woke one morning to find her sleeping on the floor outside our bedroom door. With tears in my eyes, I realized that she had a deeper need. For the next several nights I slept on the floor next to her bed holding her hand. In time, she was secure and outgrew whatever her need was.

However, there was another situation I encountered which called for discipline when there seemingly was no comprehension. That story follows.

A daughter had been corrected repeatedly for rolling her eyes in disrespect. It was a slight rolling of the eyes — very minimal. But I felt a need to deal with it. I would point out the infraction regularly, asking her if she understood. “I don’t know what you mean, Mama.” I would act out the offense. Still no acknowledged comprehension. After this continued for months, I went to the Lord in desperation. This was an inappropriate response to authority that I needed to see rooted out of my young daughter’s life. What to do? I felt a release to act: I would point out the infraction when it happened and even if she was unable to express a comprehension of her error, I would follow through with a spanking. I was confident that if a certain response was met with discipline each time, she would soon sort out what the negative action was and correct it. She needed one spanking and it never happened again, indicating that there was more comprehension than admitted.

3. Both parents agree upon utilizing certain child training paradigms but notices a problem with implementation as administered by the other parent. What should they do?

Don’t discuss it in the heat of the moment or in front of the children. Provide a united position when dealing with the child. Privately, bring up concerns or questions regarding each other’s approach. My husband and I don’t do things exactly the same, but still adhere to agreed upon principles. From time to time we suggest to one another a better way to interact in certain situations. We try to be very supportive of one another, and ultimately, if there is a difference in our opinion we may get some counsel from a trusted individual and ultimately I yield to his decision.

Children are not laboratory experiments but unique, living, changing, and growing individuals. There is no textbook anywhere that will tell you every word to say, every action to take in every situation. We need the Holy Spirit to show us how to apply the principles from the Word creatively. We also need to consider our Father’s interaction with us. He is the best example of parenting I know!

Above and beyond that, lost time, mistakes, sin, and error abound. God is not undone by this and neither should we be. Exercise faith, knowing that He is above all things, redeemer of all.He causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him. Did you think that your mistakes were not included in that great promise for your children? His love for them supercedes your failures; it even supercedes your best success!

Now that’s a promise to run with!

Administering the Rod

Darlene Sinclair — Thu, 15 May 2008 09:32:12 +0000

A quick review of some basics will remind us to keep first things first. Remember, that discipline is administered in love as an aid to healthy growth, proper development, and improvement. Ideally, it follows thorough teaching and structured training. Love and recognition of a child’s value in His sight should be our motivation for child-training. Please look over previous posts in this category (parenting) if you joining us for the first time.

I promised to look at some of the practical aspects of using the rod. I want to begin by recommending some books that have influenced my thinking and actions through the years in beneficial ways. We need sources of Biblical encouragement; these are some sources that have blessed and strengthened me.

God, the Rod, and Your Child’s Bod

The Family — God’s Weapon For Victory

Raising Kids Who Hunger For God

Shepherding A Child’s Heart

Let’s get right to a simple routine we have used throughout the years when discipline has been deemed necessary for one of our children.

1. Interrupt the situation (stop the fight, play, or conversation) and have the child hold your hand and accompany you to a private place. He should come willingly. If he doesn’t, that is a second infraction that must also be dealt with. (”Johnny, you aren’t allowed to scream and run away when I ask you to take my hand and come. Now you will need two spankings.*)
Take him to a private place. The point of discipline is not humiliation. This is meant to be a building time, not belittling. He is deserving of privacy.

2. Require the child to look you straight in the eye. This important step will allow you to not only perceive your child’s disposition, but it more readily draws him into a place of truth and subsequent repentance. It is more difficult for a child to present a bold-faced lie while genuinely encountering your gaze. In time, a glance from you in his direction will be all the correction needed in certain situations. Learn to establish direct eye contact. My husband’s words were regularly, “Eyeballs, please.” They knew he wanted them looking directly in his eyes, a window into his soul and theirs.

3. Question them as follows:

What did you do? They answer accordingly, which is a basic acknowledgment of their error or sin. (”I hit Susie” or “I disobeyed you.”) If they don’t know, you must take time to thoroughly explain. Bring them into agreement on this point.*

What happens when we ____ (fill in the blank — hit, disobey, etc.)? (They answer: “I get a spanking.”) The benefit of having them list the infraction and cite the required discipline is twofold. First, you are assured of their comprehension. Second, it removes this whole transaction from the realm of personal whim on your part to the realm of a predetermined justice and consequent discipline. You can now explain to Johnny (or Susie, if you prefer) that you are as subject to this list of rules as he is. Whether you feel like it or not, you are obliged by God to perform consistent, faithful discipline for his sake. Suddenly he sees that this is not a personal affront by you to him. It is a simple act of justice as well as a required response for training purposes. It defuses a sense of emotion for both of you.

4. Have him apologize to you for his infraction against you (he has gone against the rules of your home) and then ask forgiveness, using very specific language. (”I’m sorry for hitting Susie” or “I’m sorry for jumping on the couch” followed by the clear words, “Will you forgive me, Mama?”) Learning to humble ourselves is critical. Fulfillment of complete cleansing and thorough clearing of the offense is accomplished by the offender uttering the important words, “Please forgive me” and then receiving the specific response of “I forgive you” from the other party in return. This transaction is critical and must not be overlooked or glossed over. If it is not spoken clearly, have them reiterate it.

5. Next he must apologize to Jesus. Remind him that Jesus wants him to obey you, be kind to Susie, etc. Explain that all we need to do is tell Jesus we are sorry and ask for forgiveness and the Bible promises that He will forgive. We can be certain that Jesus loves us and will forgive us. Lead him in words of repentance and prayer, assuring him that Jesus hears him and will be true to His word. (1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.)

6. Explain that because a rule was broken that requires a spanking, we must now follow through. Have him either bend over your knees (you are sitting) or (if the child is older) have him bend over with his hands on his own knees.
Use your specified rod (a safe tool, preferably more switch-like than heavy, for the purpose of achieving pain, not actual harm.) Refrain from using your hand; God recommends the use of a impersonal object. This allows your hand to remain a conveyance of gentleness and tender care.
Administer a predetermined number of swats (once again this keeps it out of the realm of emotion — we won’t wale on him in anger or skimp because we are feeling sad.) It must hurt, otherwise this is a pointless exercise, a sham. If this is not the real deal your child will disdain your authority, mock you, and become insolent. Somehow, deep inside, he knows how this should work and will be disappointed if you fail him. He may smile and be glad initially, but in time will be making fun of you, turning your attempts at discipline into mockery. Many times I hear parents say, “Spankings don’t work for Susie.” Upon questioning them I discover that Susie received two hand swats across her thickly diapered bottom. Of course spankings don’t work for Susie!

7. After the spanking has been administered, hold your child. If they are little, cuddle them on your lap. At any age*, wrap your arms around them tight and let them know how special they are, how much you love them, how glad you are for their love for you and Jesus. This should be a celebration of God’s great forgiveness, His faithful and boundless love. Love on them, big time! Once again, discipline is not the result of anger, frustration, and rejection (it is actually the opposite of the rejection that so many other forms of discipline rely on.*) We are not responding to a dislike of our child. We are responding to a desire to strengthen them because we love them and believe they can do better and attain greater character.

8. Once their souls have settled, having accepted forgiveness and being assured of your love, release them to repent and obtain forgiveness from the offended party. Oversee this as well, whether first-hand or through follow-up questions, to be sure it is fully and properly carried out. We want them to experience the joy of a clean slate!

For additional thoughts, check out Larry Tomczak’s online article, “Raising Happy, Respectful and Obedient Children”! Scroll down and read it all — it’s great!

*I will deal with some exceptions or additional thoughts another time. This is enough to chew on today!

Discipline and the Word

Darlene Sinclair — Fri, 09 May 2008 10:05:58 +0000

If you read through last week’s scripture listing you are probably aware of the legitimacy of spanking. God prescribed beatings (I am tempted to apologize for using such a strong word, but I could never apologize for the Word of God) with a branch or rod as the method for dealing with foolishness bound in the heart, as a means of imparting wisdom and causing children to be a delight to our soul, and as a tool for sparing their souls from death (a study of the Hebrew confirms these things, not to mention the NT references cited last week also supporting that real love does include chastening.) Wow. I think I ought to take seriously His way regarding such important things.

Years ago, before I even truly entertained the thought of having children (I wasn’t yet convinced they would ever be a part of my life) I met a young boy (6-ish) who was very polite, happy, and interesting. I studied his interaction with his parents and other adults. I remember thinking that if I ever had children, they would be like that. It was my awakening to the possibility that children could indeed be a blessing.

But why was this young boy different from so many others (all those others that left me convinced that children were not a blessing…) As I saw his parents talk with him I recognized their confident authority and his acceptance of that authority. How and where did this come from? Upon investigation I found it came from the Word and their application of scriptural principles.

2. “Put on” authority. One of the biggest dilemmas I encounter in my own life and as I talk with other parents is a lack of confidence in our own authority. If we don’t think we have it, trust me, our kids will run over us! The truth is that it has nothing to do with personality, intelligence, or giftings. It has everything to do with the fact that if you have children you are called — even charged — to parent them. Inherent in that position is authority. God has given us stewardship of His children and has given us authority to guide, command, train, bless, and discipline those children. Take that authority in hand and put it on. Do it today. It is yours. It is vital. It is a matter of simply believing, accepting, and walking in it.

3. Teach, train, and then discipline your children (His children) whenever rebellion, foolishness, or disobedience occurs. Do yourself a favor — love your children by being faithful in discipline. This will benefit them, you, and the kingdom.

We must trust the Word. I have read so many things that would attempt to diminish our faith in the simple Word. If the Bible can only be understood by Greek and Hebrew scholars, many of us are in deep trouble. God did not intend for His Word to be inaccessible to us. If translation and culture causes it to become nullified, non-applicable, or unattainable — if those things could diminish or tarnish His Word — He would not have given it to us. Instead, He created the written, infallible Word for us, His children, knowing that it would be translated into every language in every culture in every era. He created it with that in mind — it is no surprise to Him that we are translating it! It is still as good here and now as it was then.

If we earnestly desire the Word as young children desire milk, we will grow (because of His grace enabling us, not because of our own “smarts”) and in time will be taking in the meat of His Word. Yes, we should carefully study, looking to teachers for help. But He designed this to be simple, not complex. Faith simplifies what mankind would complicate.

In my next post I will deal with some specific help for administering spankings, sharing a method my husband and I learned and used regularly, including steps to follow and what implements to use. We will also discuss when to spank (as in age appropriateness as well as what infractions incur physical discipline.)

4. Don’t underestimate your intuition regarding your children. You were made for this very thing. So once you’ve gotten your mind and heart renewed (by learning from the Word of God just how precious your children are in His sight), shaken off doubt about your position of authority, established some rules and regulations, and then trained them in those things, relax a bit and learn to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and your intuition. He created such intuition — really, He did. And He gave you these children. You are the perfect one to know them, to comprehend what is motivating them, to read in their eyes what they cannot tell you. Learn to rely on “what seems right”. Your intuition — your gut-feeling — is more dependable than you realize, assuming you have put it to the scrutiny of the Word (applying repentance and knowledge and wisdom and all that.) Just be honest with yourself, check to make sure you are being motivated by love for your child, and then you can have confidence in that gut-feeling. If you know you tend to be a bit of a pushover, be aware of that. Or if sterness suits your “black and white” perspective, you may have to learn to soften up. But your intuition can become a good guide, helping you know when mercy is appropriate (not just because it’s easier right then), or when you need to pursue a more contrite spirit from your child, or if it is best to just let it rest for the time being (sometimes enough discipline is enough — it is not always beneficial to have sessions that drag on and on. There will undoubtedly be another opportunity to learn the same lesson tomorrow.)

Discipline is not intended to impute righteousness to our children. It is intended, rather, to establish them in a knowledge of right and wrong, an understanding of consequences, and character strengthened through the exercise of making right choices.

God, in His infinite love for me, disciplines me and I learn that His ways are better. Soon I am choosing His ways first, without making bad choices. Our children will learn the same; first they learn to trust us and our less than perfect love for them, then they discover that it is merely a weak reflection of His perfect love for them and they learn to trust Him implicitly. That is the ultimate joy for any parent!

Enough for one day. I will be back soon with some practicals of discipline.

**edited by author
For further clarification I need to state that I in no way am minimizing the need for faithful Greek and Hebrew scholars. I am, in fact, celebrating God’s provision of such scholars who were able to do the work of translation in true and faithful fashion so that those of us (the multitude) could read the precious Word of God ourselves. At some point, faith must enter in to release total trust that God provided such men and such wonderful Living Words. This allows me to study freely without the necessity of careless reinterpretation of the Greek and Hebrew on my own.

Thoughts From the Word on Discipline

Darlene Sinclair — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 13:56:10 +0000

In the past couple weeks we’ve presented teaching and practice as essential steps in childtraining. Now we must consider discipline. And I say must quite intentionally.

As I thought about what to write for this post I discovered something: my thinking had been skewed by the constant barrage against Biblical teaching regarding childtraining. As I attempted to gather my thoughts I found myself pussyfooting around taboo words such as “punishment”, walking on eggshells regarding administering (do I dare say it?) spankings, hedging about justice vs. mercy, becoming a professional euphemist.

“Yuck!” I thought. “What good will any of this namby-pamby stuff be for anyone? This is no better than psycho-babble. This will settle no issues, lend no strength, be no absolute help. We need a rock to stand on, to build on. Lord, help me!”

So back to the Word I went. Fresh water. Solid counsel. No namby-pamby stuff. No pussyfooting around. I love that about my God. He is strong and not afraid to act on that strength. He is gentle and not embarrassed to be so. And He has made us in His image. He has called us to act as He acts, love as He loves, to demonstrate strength and gentleness.

Today I invite you to refresh yourself with the Word of God. I am going to present to you a list of scriptures to read through, then next time we will have a common reference to work from. I will keep it simple — just address and text. My one request? Look for words and concepts that our culture pooh-poohs. You may be surprised.

Ready? Let’s do it!

Prov.23:13
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.

Deut.8:5
Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.

Prov.3:11,12 3:11
My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Lev. 26:18, 23, 24
“If after all this you will not listen to me, I will punish you for your sins seven times over.”
“If in spite of these things you do not accept my correction but continue to be hostile toward me, I myself will be hostile toward you and will afflict you for your sins seven times over.”

Prov. 6:23
For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life…

Eph.6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Hebrews 12:5-11
And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?
If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!
Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Deuteronomy 21:18-21
If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him,
his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town.
They shall say to the elders, “This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard.”
Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.

Additional -
Proverbs 13:24
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Proverbs 19:18
Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.

Proverbs 22:15
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13,14
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.
Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.

Proverbs 29:15,17
The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.

Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.