I tend to be one who is not eager to get my babies to sleep through the night. Although this is the goal of some methods, after much exploration, contemplation, and examination I concluded that it was not a necessary goal for me. My primary concern was to discover God’s plan for a woman’s cycles, fertility, pregnancy, breastfeeding, introduction of whole foods, etc.

We must begin to dabble with all of these things when exploring this topic, since they are so interrelated.

Because I was persuaded that God was the Creator of each individual life, I felt a conviction to release my womb to His plan and purpose (we will discuss that in greater detail some other time.) God is a proponent of abundant life in every way, including the creation of new life. Yet, in His wisdom He created a woman’s body to have seasons of infertility, one of those seasons being tied to full time breastfeeding. If His plan is to have lots of babies, we could just skip breastfeeding, go right to bottle feeding, and be fertile much sooner. But this is not how He created us. We were the intended provider of nutrition. Scientists and medical doctors all agree - breast milk cannot be replicated and is the perfect food for human babies. Amazing but true! What God created works best!

Since that is the case, we should consider breastfeeding our babies unless there a is strong reason for bottle feeding.

Studies also showed that a woman’s body needs time to rest and recuperate from the demanding process of growing a baby during pregnancy. Perhaps God had a reason for causing full time breastfeeding to halt a woman’s fertility cycle. Amazing but true once again!

A fabulous book, Breast Is Best, happened my way as I was studying these issues, sometime between baby number three and four. Although written from a secular perspective, the findings backed scripture to a “t”. Women who experienced fewer menstrual cycles were better off. Studies found they encountered less breast cancer, ovarian cancer, hormonal swings, and had an easier transition into menopause. Well, that was interesting. Maybe having babies often, and prolonging a return to fertility through full time nursing, had more going for it than we realized.

So what does this have to do with babies sleeping through the night? Here’s the stat: In general, a woman’s cycle can be triggered by a single 8 hour stretch with no nursing. That caused me to step back a bit.

After having trouble with baby number three nursing enough to maintain growth, I had been investigating eating/sleeping patterns. I had already determined that I would not use pacifiers. (That was the trouble with baby number 3 - she was readily contented with a pacifier and soon was not sucking often enough to stimulate the needed increase in my milk supply. I wasn’t about to let that happen again.) (Now don’t go jumping to the conclusion that I am saying it is bad to use pacifiers. Plenty of women do and have no trouble. I just happened to run into problems and was not willing to do so again.)

Because of my heightened awareness of supply and demand effects regarding breastfeeding, I was already happy to nurse my baby off and on throughout the night. Now I discovered an additional benefit — that it also would help lengthen my season of infertility. Was this God’s way of making sure our bodies could regroup? I began to think so.

Is there an absolute guarantee that your season of infertility will lengthen? No. Every body is unique. But the vast majority respond in this manner to breastfeeding.

Please consider reading a portion (page 3) of this article by Nancy Campbell (and if you are really interested in this topic, read it all!)

Scripture would indicate that the breast is not only a supply of nutrition but of comfort and solace for your babe. Understanding that he will not be spoiled is essential. I heard a young mother exclaim one day that she “felt like nothing more than a cow” because all her baby wanted to do was nurse. How unfortunate that she was unable to understand that her babe found deep comfort in her arms, at her breast. What a privilege! Who can understand what needs a young baby has? Only God knows such mysteries. I will trust Him for His provision of comfort to His babes through mothers who are willing to provide such consolation, even as an act of faith, trusting in His plan, not always knowing why, and certainly not receiving encouragement from the culture around them.

I have barely scratched the surface of so many issues here. In time, we will visit them in greater detail. For now, I simply wanted to introduce some heartfelt reasons for why I approach the topic of “getting babies to sleep through the night” as I do. It is “up for grabs” I know, but I do want to encourage women to search out His ways, know why you do what you do, and develop a Biblical paradigm for your choices, whatever those choices may be for you. This is true discipleship!

And one more thought: we are never too old to learn. Be ready always to grow in your knowledge of Him. Do your best today with choices and decisions, but be willing to have your understanding challenged tomorrow, should God choose to meddle with your thoughts! He is Lord of all — even such thoughts as these.

We have a general rule of thumb here at our home: share the truth. As parents, we are often aware of the pain of life’s circumstances. When our personal lives are touched, as they will be, do we expose our children to the pain or shield them? How much? When? How?

It must begin here: you yourself must find grace for the situation and exercise faith in it. You must. Then you can let that grace and faith overflow into their young lives. But if you don’t obtain that faith and grace yourselves, you have nothing to share with them. Dig in and find what He has promised. It is yours; it is theirs as well.

Find it in His Word, experience it in His presence as you worship Him, release your doubts and fears in honest prayer and receive His comfort, repent of sin and wrong responses to such difficulties in your life. Do it. Refuse to accept anything less than faith and grace for every difficult situation you encounter. As your children watch you dealing with hard things this way, they learn a wonderful process. They will know what to do when they are thrust into turbulent waters of their own.

But if you hide your struggles you will also have hidden your findings. If you shield them from every bump and difficulty they will fail to experience His grace along the way; His word will not have been applied and faith will not have been exercised. Exposing them, with your care and support, will teach them all these things.

Sickness, financial loss, relational struggles (yours and theirs), the reality of brokenness in a family member, discussing the damage of sin, death — these things will confront all of us at some point in time. We can try to hide our children from them in an attempt to be their shield of protection, or we can recognize Him as the only perfect shield and teach them how to obtain His grace in these challenging situations. He is our true protection, our real victory, the only genuine help in time of trouble.

Beware that you do not become their source of protection, their help. You can never handle it all, nor will you always be available. And I doubt that any of us would claim to be enough.

In preparation for adulthood, children take babysteps, stumbling and falling many times, getting bruised along the way. But would we prevent those babysteps in an attempt to spare them the bruise? Never. We know that babysteps, with all the unavoidable bruises, are the means to independent movement. Soon they are walking, running, handling steps, and even jumping hurdles. We must release them to this, not fearing the bumps and scrapes along the way.

So it is with their spiritual growth. Let them face hard times. God is able to use it in their lives as well as in yours. Bumps in life are a reality. We cannot keep them in a bubble of a perfect world, nor should we. Call a spade a spade; call sin sin; acknowledge hard times when they come. Teach them what the Word says about the reality of this fallen world. Show them how to find what God’s answer is, learning principles from His Word and applying them in creative ways to each situation.

If you try to create a perfect world, they will learn to love this life and the things in it. I’m not saying to teach them to be negative. Anyone who knows me knows that I am fairly positive. My epitaph will probably read:

Here lies Darlene Sinclair. She had fun!

By all means, discover the beauty of His grace. Understand and appreciate the wonders of His passing creation as just that — passing wonders. Heaven is more abundant than even this! I can hardly wait!

But recognize with them, too, that there are difficulties, and that we, as children of the Most High God, have access to the throne of grace, the everlasting fountain of grace. These are learning days, days of growth, days of experience with you as their guide. Don’t cheat them, don’t provide false protection. Let them experience Him as their great shield and protector, let them know Him as Father, as perfect parent and guardian. Help them discover truth, apply truth, repent, appropriate, and function in strength and health.

Theirs is a great and wonderful portion because He is their portion, as well as yours — even now, while they are young. He is theirs to trust in and draw from. Release them to their source of great grace today. He will not fail them — ever.

I’m the admitted rookie, but here goes my best attempt! (Actually, I’m sort of cheating; my answers are all things I learned from my parents!)

You know the 12-month-old (younger or older) is throwing a self-centered fit, but because of his/her age and inability to effectively communicate, Mom and Dad do not know how to nip it in the bud. Any advice?

First of all, as the parent, you know when your baby’s fit is a major display of attitude. (Attitudes, in case you don’t know, precede the skill of speech development by light years.) But since this young child doesn’t necessarily know what you mean by, “No fits!,” here’s an idea (which works for all sorts of communication sans English):

Say very clearly, “No, no,” and then act out the behavior they just displayed. Make the angry face, arch your back, make a screaming sound — whatever. Then say again, “No. Bad attitude. No.” Perhaps you feel like you need to repeat this for a few instances, but at some point, they will quickly put two and two together, and when their fit is met with a spank, will quickly understand that they’re out of bounds.

(By the way, for a truly humorous experience, catch my dad acting out a tantrum.)

This communication through gestures works well for many things. Learning the command “Come,” teaching how to be gentle or not touch — so many things. We use it without thinking to teach things like walking, stacking blocks, holding a crayon, etc. Your baby will understand just as well when it’s used to communicate a boundary in behavior.

On training babies — how soon? What’s appropriate?

There’s no magic number here, and certainly no one method, either. I will say that babies are quick to learn, and using your instinct, you probably will be able to figure out what they’re capable of.

Most training begins when a baby begins to get around on their own. I, for one, didn’t do much to “childproof” my home, but neither did I want Jameson to learn boundaries at the expense of his safety. (Like, you know, I put safety plugs in the outlets rather than expecting him to always obey and never stick his little finger in there.) Most of his early training had to do with his own safety. If he touched something I didn’t want him to touch, I would move his hand, say, “No no,” and then the next time, flick his hand. He learned quickly what the boundaries were, and how he could enjoy his explorations while still being safe.

A lot of “baby” training requires discernment, and a good dose of confidence, too. I could tell the difference, for instance, between squirming while being changed because he’d spotted a toy out of the corner of his eye (in which case I would often grab the toy and give it to him to hold, much to his delight!), or squirming because he was upset about having to lay down (in which case I would swat his little thigh and so, “no.”)

With a young child who’s just learning the ropes, you want to make a quick connection between behavior and consequence (thus, flick the hand when he touches a no-no; the thigh when he’s kicking his legs.) And you’re not entering into a full-on discipline session here. You’re just trying to teach your baby the meaning of “no,” and that he is to obey you (and not the other way around!)

1. For example, your three-year-old daughter bites her baby sister. You enter the scene: there is a crying baby and you discover bite marks on her hand. After scooping the baby up and comforting her, you turn to the guilty party. “Susie, no, no. You are never allowed to bite anyone. Ever. It isn’t kind. The Bible tells us we are to be kind to one another. Look at Mama; you are not allowed to bite,” all the while touching the infant’s hand so that Susie clearly makes the connection. You lead Susie in an apology and then resettle everyone so you can get back to cooking dinner.
   A few minutes later, you hear wailing again. Upon returning to the scene, you again see bite marks on the infant. This is directly contrary to what you clearly communicated. Susie has outright disobeyed you and broken a command.
   Another example is that of your ten-year-old son who has been told repeatedly to take his muddy boots off at the door. You have left plenty of room for childishness (different than the Biblical definition of foolishness) by reminding him lots and extending mercy countless times. It sincerely seems that he is forgetting. You have posted signs on the back door, “Take Shoes Off Upon Entry,” and reminded him 10x/day for the past 4 months as he tromps through the kitchen, but there has been no improvement and your son’s behavior is crossing the line from forgetfulness to laziness and carelessness. A spanking is administered because he is continually breaking a rule and showing disregard for your instruction. I can personally testify that spankings do help us remember what multiple reminders cannot!

1. When do you administer a spanking; what infractions deserve what kind of punishment?There is no black and white instruction in the Bible on exactly what actions and behaviors require a spanking– God hasn’t laid out exact scenarios. This is because God is wise: He creates each person to be unique, and He knows that no two homes look identical, no two parents are identical, and no two children act identically. Instead, He gives us principles to live by that help us make decisions at every point and time.

The chief principle I see in the Word on when to administer discipline is when confronting rebellion. There are the obvious signs of rebellion: foot stomping, talking back, a total disregard of what you just said, and that defiant toddler exclamation, “NO!” There are also times when the actual infraction is against another party or breaking a “house rule” but its root has become rebellion because you have clearly communicated and taught that they are to behave otherwise.

The infractions that deserve a spanking in your home might be different than the infractions that deserve a spanking in my home. Some of you might not mind if your kids jump on the beds. I mind, and so my children are taught that they are not allowed to jump on the bed and that they are disobeying Mama if they do so. I remember growing up and making the excuse to Mom that So-and-So got to do certain things that we weren’t allowed to do. I didn’t think I ought to get in trouble for something that another child didn’t. That’s when Mom would say, “God didn’t give So-and-So to me and Daddy; He gave you to us. He knows what He’s doing. If you were So-and-So’s child, you would have a whole different set of rules, but you’re my child. And God must know that you need these rules.” This reinforced the principle that God is sovereign, it reminded me that Mom and Dad’s authority came from God, and it taught me not to envy or covet another’s situation.

2. How do you handle situations when your child immediately repents after sinning, and you discern that its because he/she wants to avoid spankings?
Repentance/forgiveness and consequences are separate issues. God is merciful and gracious, and there are times when we repent and He rescues us from the consequences that naturally follow our sin. This isn’t always the case, though.

There is a dear, dear man I have gotten the chance to know who lived a homosexual lifestyle years ago before he became a believer. His repentance has been genuine and he praises Christ for the forgiveness he has been given. But he still has HIV. There remain consequences.

I wholeheartedly believe there are times when we as parents will be led by the Spirit to mercifully release our child from the consequences of his behavior. We must also teach him, however, that our words and actions have repercussions. As a general rule, I suggest that when your child repents after sinning, acknowledge that apology (however insincere you discern it to be) and extend forgiveness, and then gently explain that his words/actions were wrong and that there will still be consequences.

3. How do you spank in public?
The goal of spanking isn’t embarrassment or humiliation. I think it’s very important that our discipline always be done with respect, kindness, one-on-one communication, and rational teaching. Whether you’re in your own home, with friends, at the grandparents’ house, or at church, seek out a private place to work through issues with your child. In Mom’s post on Administering the Rod, she laid out a process that can easily be transfered from home to other places because it demonstrates respect and privacy.

Speaking from personal experience, we have found that when we are out and about, we think very carefully before we vocalize expectations. It’s important that we not issue commands that we aren’t prepared to follow through on due to the environment and situation we’re in. This is not to say that there aren’t times when we are out and discipline needs to take place (because there are, and that’s often when we as parents have to get creative in order to get one-on-one with our child), but simply to note that teaching and training ideally happens at home, where we’re able to withdraw to a private place with our child and not cause undue humiliation and embarrassment to him.

Being out and about can get tricky, particularly when we’re in public areas such as grocery stores, baseball games, museums, playgrounds, etc. As parents, we ought to strive to do the right thing for our children according to our conscience. Dealing with issues in a private, discreet and non-humiliating way might mean that we relocate to a different place in order to have the needed privacy (return to the privacy of the car, for example). In the case of older children, it might mean postponing the discussion time and discipline for a short time until we are in a place where we can process things properly.

In the end, there is no replacement for the Lord directing our hearts as we deal with the sin of our children. He is their Heavenly Father and is even more committed to their growth than we are! I can recall situations when I was a child and my parents deviated from the normal and expected course of action. There was no doubt in my mind then that they did so because they felt something different was the right thing for that moment; I am certain now that the Spirit was leading them and showing them exactly what was necessary to most thoroughly show me the Gospel. Be ready to be led by the Spirit and recognize the guidance of the Lord as you shepherd your children. Incline your heart to Him and He will undoubtedly speak to you.

How grateful I am for the Word of God at just such times. And what a source of peace is the knowledge that He will never leave me or forsake me, that He will be my teacher, my supply of grace, and a fount of never-ending mercy! Just as He is everything I need, so He is everything my child will ever need. What cause this is for rejoicing! What a refuge for this oft-times weary heart!

So, as a pastor of mine used to say, “Don’t get down, get serious.”

It’s time to continue looking to God for His truth, putting aside carnal wisdom and accepting the pure stuff of the Word. This is no time to experiment (who can dare experiment with something as precious as your child’s heart?) At times like these I refuse to be deterred from embracing the simple words of scripture. I reject attempts to discredit the unadulterated Word. I will not allow His principles to become difficult. They were made for me for help and guidance. They were not intended to be out of reach, confusing, incomprehensible, unattainable. Through His indwelling Holy Spirit and child-like faith I can learn, apply, and succeed. So can you. Review the scriptures once again. Do not be daunted, trust Him implicitly, take His yoke, and let’s go!

Questions we’ve received:

1. How old is too old for spankings? How young is too young?

There are no absolutes. Leaning upon your intuition, your sense of what is good and right for this particular child, is essential. That said, I will encourage you to think beyond the cultural normative.

A 12 month old (and maybe even younger) is capable of learning not to touch, not to bite, not to climb, etc. When they do something you don’t want them doing, clearly state the rule (”No biting.” or “No touch!”) Demonstrate the action and shake your head to establish that simple form of communication. If and when they do the unwanted action again, repeat all the above and flick the back of their hand so that there is an immediate consequence. Two or three times is usually all it takes. In time a simple shaking of your head will clue them in. Of course, there will be exceptions to this — some are stubborn, some don’t seem to comprehend, some melt into tears when you simply look at them somewhat sternly. You must learn to know them and act accordingly.

When do children outgrow spankings? There is no magic number. We are looking to establish them in respectful obedience. Foolish behavior needs to be weeded out. If your 12-16 year old is still struggling with an issue, prayer, Bible study, and various removals of privileges should all be employed, but at some point you may feel there is a need for physical discipline. That will be up to you. Nothing in the Bible indicates an age limit. Once again, it must be preceded by instruction, dialogue, and prayer. Physical discipline is always to be done in a context of building communication and love.

2. What if they don’t ever seem to understand?

I will repeat here the need to be sensitive to the Spirit. Sometimes lack of comprehension is genuine; other times it is a convenient cover-up for willful disobedience.
If your child genuinely does not understand, try other means of communicating. Act out the offense, point it out consistently. Is he learning some things but not others? Perhaps there is a deeper need being communicated. Here’s an example from my own experience.

Our children were taught to stay on their beds at naptime and bedtime. One child, however, consistently broke this rule. She stayed on her bed when first put there, but long after the kid’s “lights out” time she would come to our room. We would put her back to bed, repeating this with a spanking. After several nights of this behavior, I woke one morning to find her sleeping on the floor outside our bedroom door. With tears in my eyes, I realized that she had a deeper need. For the next several nights I slept on the floor next to her bed holding her hand. In time, she was secure and outgrew whatever her need was.

However, there was another situation I encountered which called for discipline when there seemingly was no comprehension. That story follows.

A daughter had been corrected repeatedly for rolling her eyes in disrespect. It was a slight rolling of the eyes — very minimal. But I felt a need to deal with it. I would point out the infraction regularly, asking her if she understood. “I don’t know what you mean, Mama.” I would act out the offense. Still no acknowledged comprehension. After this continued for months, I went to the Lord in desperation. This was an inappropriate response to authority that I needed to see rooted out of my young daughter’s life. What to do? I felt a release to act: I would point out the infraction when it happened and even if she was unable to express a comprehension of her error, I would follow through with a spanking. I was confident that if a certain response was met with discipline each time, she would soon sort out what the negative action was and correct it. She needed one spanking and it never happened again, indicating that there was more comprehension than admitted.

3. Both parents agree upon utilizing certain child training paradigms but notices a problem with implementation as administered by the other parent. What should they do?

Don’t discuss it in the heat of the moment or in front of the children. Provide a united position when dealing with the child. Privately, bring up concerns or questions regarding each other’s approach. My husband and I don’t do things exactly the same, but still adhere to agreed upon principles. From time to time we suggest to one another a better way to interact in certain situations. We try to be very supportive of one another, and ultimately, if there is a difference in our opinion we may get some counsel from a trusted individual and ultimately I yield to his decision.

Children are not laboratory experiments but unique, living, changing, and growing individuals. There is no textbook anywhere that will tell you every word to say, every action to take in every situation. We need the Holy Spirit to show us how to apply the principles from the Word creatively. We also need to consider our Father’s interaction with us. He is the best example of parenting I know!

Above and beyond that, lost time, mistakes, sin, and error abound. God is not undone by this and neither should we be. Exercise faith, knowing that He is above all things, redeemer of all.He causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him. Did you think that your mistakes were not included in that great promise for your children? His love for them supercedes your failures; it even supercedes your best success!

Now that’s a promise to run with!

Last night, however, Daniel looked at me and very quietly said, “We cannot give him a keepable standard, Brietta.”

I knew what he meant. We must require God’s standard of our children. And not so we can say, “Our children are holier than yours.” No, in tears and in sorrow of heart, we require something our children cannot meet of their own abilities so that they come to the altar of Christ, recognizing their need for His cleansing.

Rather than saying it another way, I will quote directly from Shepherding A Child’s Heart, as this book has helped strengthen my mother’s heart for the difficult task of requiring righteousness from my flock.

Parents sometimes give children a keepable standard. Parents think that if their children aren’t Christians, they can’t obey God from the heart anyway. For example… To do good to oppressors… to pray for those who mistreat you, to entrust yourself to the just Judge, requires a child to come face-to-face with the poverty of his own spirit and his need of the transforming power of the gospel.

The law of God is not easy for natural man. Its standard is high and cannot be achieved apart from God’s supernatural grace. God’s law teaches us our need for grace. When you fail to hold out God’s standard, you rob your children of the mercy of the gospel.

It’s very true that I have to take into account the fact that my children are young. There must be much room for childish behavior and endless time given to instruction. But in our child-rearing, I do not want to just make them socially acceptable. I want them to see their brokenness apart from a Savior. The law will not save them, but it will open their eyes to see their need for salvation. I have to confront them with their sin so that they can then understand and appreciate the mercy that Jesus is so willing to shower them with.

This confronting is not easy to do. But I remind myself that whether or not I allow the Word to expose my children’s spiritual poverty, their poverty is real and present. I can either cover it while they are young, and in so doing teach them how to cover it themselves when they are older, or I can let the law of God lead them to the Gift of Grace.

Galations 3:24 Therefore the law was our tutor to bring us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith.

I promised to look at some of the practical aspects of using the rod. I want to begin by recommending some books that have influenced my thinking and actions through the years in beneficial ways. We need sources of Biblical encouragement; these are some sources that have blessed and strengthened me.

God, the Rod, and Your Child’s Bod by Larry Tomczak
The Family — God’s Weapon For Victory by Robert Andrews
Raising Kids Who Hunger For God by Benny and Sheree Phillips
Shepherding A Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp

Let’s get right to a simple routine we have used throughout the years when discipline has been deemed necessary for one of our children.

1. Interrupt the situation (stop the fight, play, or conversation) and have the child hold your hand and accompany you to a private place. He should come willingly. If he doesn’t, that is a second infraction that must also be dealt with. (”Johnny, you aren’t allowed to scream and run away when I ask you to take my hand and come. Now you will need two spankings.*)
Take him to a private place. The point of discipline is not humiliation. This is meant to be a building time, not belittling. He is deserving of privacy.

2. Require the child to look you straight in the eye. This important step will allow you to not only perceive your child’s disposition, but it more readily draws him into a place of truth and subsequent repentance. It is more difficult for a child to present a bold-faced lie while genuinely encountering your gaze. In time, a glance from you in his direction will be all the correction needed in certain situations. Learn to establish direct eye contact. My husband’s words were regularly, “Eyeballs, please.” They knew he wanted them looking directly in his eyes, a window into his soul and theirs.

3. Question them as follows:

Do you know why we’re here? (”Susie and I were fighting” or “I didn’t stop when you told me to.”)

What did you do? They answer accordingly, which is a basic acknowledgment of their error or sin. (”I hit Susie” or “I disobeyed you.”) If they don’t know, you must take time to thoroughly explain. Bring them into agreement on this point.*

What happens when we ____ (fill in the blank — hit, disobey, etc.)? (They answer: “I get a spanking.”) The benefit of having them list the infraction and cite the required discipline is twofold. First, you are assured of their comprehension. Second, it removes this whole transaction from the realm of personal whim on your part to the realm of a predetermined justice and consequent discipline. You can now explain to Johnny (or Susie, if you prefer) that you are as subject to this list of rules as he is. Whether you feel like it or not, you are obliged by God to perform consistent, faithful discipline for his sake. Suddenly he sees that this is not a personal affront by you to him. It is a simple act of justice as well as a required response for training purposes. It defuses a sense of emotion for both of you.

4. Have him apologize to you for his infraction against you (he has gone against the rules of your home) and then ask forgiveness, using very specific language. (”I’m sorry for hitting Susie” or “I’m sorry for jumping on the couch” followed by the clear words, “Will you forgive me, Mama?”) Learning to humble ourselves is critical. Fulfillment of complete cleansing and thorough clearing of the offense is accomplished by the offender uttering the important words, “Please forgive me” and then receiving the specific response of “I forgive you” from the other party in return. This transaction is critical and must not be overlooked or glossed over. If it is not spoken clearly, have them reiterate it.

5. Next he must apologize to Jesus. Remind him that Jesus wants him to obey you, be kind to Susie, etc. Explain that all we need to do is tell Jesus we are sorry and ask for forgiveness and the Bible promises that He will forgive. We can be certain that Jesus loves us and will forgive us. Lead him in words of repentance and prayer, assuring him that Jesus hears him and will be true to His word. (1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.)

6. Explain that because a rule was broken that requires a spanking, we must now follow through. Have him either bend over your knees (you are sitting) or (if the child is older) have him bend over with his hands on his own knees.
Use your specified rod (a safe tool, preferably more switch-like than heavy, for the purpose of achieving pain, not actual harm.) Refrain from using your hand; God recommends the use of a impersonal object. This allows your hand to remain a conveyance of gentleness and tender care.
Administer a predetermined number of swats (once again this keeps it out of the realm of emotion — we won’t wale on him in anger or skimp because we are feeling sad.) It must hurt, otherwise this is a pointless exercise, a sham. If this is not the real deal your child will disdain your authority, mock you, and become insolent. Somehow, deep inside, he knows how this should work and will be disappointed if you fail him. He may smile and be glad initially, but in time will be making fun of you, turning your attempts at discipline into mockery. Many times I hear parents say, “Spankings don’t work for Susie.” Upon questioning them I discover that Susie received two hand swats across her thickly diapered bottom. Of course spankings don’t work for Susie!

7. After the spanking has been administered, hold your child. If they are little, cuddle them on your lap. At any age*, wrap your arms around them tight and let them know how special they are, how much you love them, how glad you are for their love for you and Jesus. This should be a celebration of God’s great forgiveness, His faithful and boundless love. Love on them, big time! Once again, discipline is not the result of anger, frustration, and rejection (it is actually the opposite of the rejection that so many other forms of discipline rely on.*) We are not responding to a dislike of our child. We are responding to a desire to strengthen them because we love them and believe they can do better and attain greater character.

8. Once their souls have settled, having accepted forgiveness and being assured of your love, release them to repent and obtain forgiveness from the offended party. Oversee this as well, whether first-hand or through follow-up questions, to be sure it is fully and properly carried out. We want them to experience the joy of a clean slate!

For additional thoughts, check out Larry Tomczak’s online article, “Raising Happy, Respectful and Obedient Children”! Scroll down and read it all — it’s great!

*I will deal with some exceptions or additional thoughts another time. This is enough to chew on today!

]]> http://momandus.com/2008/05/15/administering-the-rod/feed/ http://momandus.com/2008/05/09/more-thoughts-on-discipline/ http://momandus.com/2008/05/09/more-thoughts-on-discipline/#comments Fri, 09 May 2008 10:05:58 +0000 Darlene Sinclair http://momandus.com/2008/05/09/more-thoughts-on-discipline/ If you read through last week’s scripture listing you are probably aware of the legitimacy of spanking. God prescribed beatings (I am tempted to apologize for using such a strong word, but I could never apologize for the Word of God) with a branch or rod as the method for dealing with foolishness bound in the heart, as a means of imparting wisdom and causing children to be a delight to our soul, and as a tool for sparing their souls from death (a study of the Hebrew confirms these things, not to mention the NT references cited last week also supporting that real love does include chastening.) Wow. I think I ought to take seriously His way regarding such important things.

Years ago, before I even truly entertained the thought of having children (I wasn’t yet convinced they would ever be a part of my life) I met a young boy (6-ish) who was very polite, happy, and interesting. I studied his interaction with his parents and other adults. I remember thinking that if I ever had children, they would be like that. It was my awakening to the possibility that children could indeed be a blessing.

But why was this young boy different from so many others (all those others that left me convinced that children were not a blessing…) As I saw his parents talk with him I recognized their confident authority and his acceptance of that authority. How and where did this come from? Upon investigation I found it came from the Word and their application of scriptural principles.

1. We must build upon the Word. When our confidence is shaken through worldly counsel whispered in our ear (that would be the enemy), pressure from the “pros” (often used by the enemy to undermine true counsel), resistance from the ranks beneath us (that would be our own kids) we must head straight to the unchanging Word of God. It is our anchor, our refuge, our help. Get these verses memorized and return to them often. The years of childtraining are long, fraught with temptations and hardships. We need a constant guide.

2. “Put on” authority. One of the biggest dilemmas I encounter in my own life and as I talk with other parents is a lack of confidence in our own authority. If we don’t think we have it, trust me, our kids will run over us! The truth is that it has nothing to do with personality, intelligence, or giftings. It has everything to do with the fact that if you have children you are called — even charged — to parent them. Inherent in that position is authority. God has given us stewardship of His children and has given us authority to guide, command, train, bless, and discipline those children. Take that authority in hand and put it on. Do it today. It is yours. It is vital. It is a matter of simply believing, accepting, and walking in it.

3. Teach, train, and then discipline your children (His children) whenever rebellion, foolishness, or disobedience occurs. Do yourself a favor — love your children by being faithful in discipline. This will benefit them, you, and the kingdom.

We must trust the Word. I have read so many things that would attempt to diminish our faith in the simple Word. If the Bible can only be understood by Greek and Hebrew scholars, many of us are in deep trouble. God did not intend for His Word to be inaccessible to us. If translation and culture causes it to become nullified, non-applicable, or unattainable — if those things could diminish or tarnish His Word — He would not have given it to us. Instead, He created the written, infallible Word for us, His children, knowing that it would be translated into every language in every culture in every era. He created it with that in mind — it is no surprise to Him that we are translating it! It is still as good here and now as it was then.

If we earnestly desire the Word as young children desire milk, we will grow (because of His grace enabling us, not because of our own “smarts”) and in time will be taking in the meat of His Word. Yes, we should carefully study, looking to teachers for help. But He designed this to be simple, not complex. Faith simplifies what mankind would complicate.

In my next post I will deal with some specific help for administering spankings, sharing a method my husband and I learned and used regularly, including steps to follow and what implements to use. We will also discuss when to spank (as in age appropriateness as well as what infractions incur physical discipline.)

4. Don’t underestimate your intuition regarding your children. You were made for this very thing. So once you’ve gotten your mind and heart renewed (by learning from the Word of God just how precious your children are in His sight), shaken off doubt about your position of authority, established some rules and regulations, and then trained them in those things, relax a bit and learn to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and your intuition. He created such intuition — really, He did. And He gave you these children. You are the perfect one to know them, to comprehend what is motivating them, to read in their eyes what they cannot tell you. Learn to rely on “what seems right”. Your intuition — your gut-feeling — is more dependable than you realize, assuming you have put it to the scrutiny of the Word (applying repentance and knowledge and wisdom and all that.) Just be honest with yourself, check to make sure you are being motivated by love for your child, and then you can have confidence in that gut-feeling. If you know you tend to be a bit of a pushover, be aware of that. Or if sterness suits your “black and white” perspective, you may have to learn to soften up. But your intuition can become a good guide, helping you know when mercy is appropriate (not just because it’s easier right then), or when you need to pursue a more contrite spirit from your child, or if it is best to just let it rest for the time being (sometimes enough discipline is enough — it is not always beneficial to have sessions that drag on and on. There will undoubtedly be another opportunity to learn the same lesson tomorrow.)

Discipline is not intended to impute righteousness to our children. It is intended, rather, to establish them in a knowledge of right and wrong, an understanding of consequences, and character strengthened through the exercise of making right choices.

God, in His infinite love for me, disciplines me and I learn that His ways are better. Soon I am choosing His ways first, without making bad choices. Our children will learn the same; first they learn to trust us and our less than perfect love for them, then they discover that it is merely a weak reflection of His perfect love for them and they learn to trust Him implicitly. That is the ultimate joy for any parent!

Enough for one day. I will be back soon with some practicals of discipline.

**edited by author
For further clarification I need to state that I in no way am minimizing the need for faithful Greek and Hebrew scholars. I am, in fact, celebrating God’s provision of such scholars who were able to do the work of translation in true and faithful fashion so that those of us (the multitude) could read the precious Word of God ourselves. At some point, faith must enter in to release total trust that God provided such men and such wonderful Living Words. This allows me to study freely without the necessity of careless reinterpretation of the Greek and Hebrew on my own.

]]> http://momandus.com/2008/05/09/more-thoughts-on-discipline/feed/ http://momandus.com/2008/05/01/spanking-gods-way/ http://momandus.com/2008/05/01/spanking-gods-way/#comments Thu, 01 May 2008 14:37:03 +0000 Brietta Paladin http://momandus.com/2008/05/01/spanking-gods-way/ Yesterday Mom talked about the clarity and straight-forward nature of God's instructions. What a gracious God we serve that He makes Himself so plain! I have to confess, however, that I know firsthand how muddled His directions get when we allow ourselves to be diluted by worldly philosophies. [...]]]> Yesterday Mom talked about the clarity and straight-forward nature of God’s instructions. What a gracious God we serve that He makes Himself so plain! I have to confess, however, that I know firsthand how muddled His directions get when we allow ourselves to be diluted by worldly philosophies.

When my oldest son was almost three years old, these words came out of my mouth: “Spanking isn’t working! Night after night, day after day, he gets off his bed over and over and over again! I spank him, but he’s not getting it! We need to try something else.” I was smack-dab in the middle of a long season with this particular child. I was tired. I was believing the lie that somehow my child was so unique, so difficult to teach, and so strong-willed that Biblical discipline wasn’t enough. Oh! how arrogant of me!

God, in His mercy, gave me a husband who doesn’t dismiss the Word. Ever. And when Daniel heard those words come from my mouth, his response was that God’s way is never the problem, but we, as parents, can be.

Back the Word I had to go. And I was so convicted. About my lack of consistency and thoroughness. About the ungodly frustration in me that often drove discipline sessions. About how quickly I doubted what God has said (what is a year or two in light of eternity, anyway?!). I was so focused on the outworking of rebellion (getting off his bed) that I’d lost sight of the greater goal– driving the root of rebellion from his heart– and I was ready to settle for anything that would more quickly modify his behavior. I had to be reminded that while a punishment & reward system might very well change the bedtime pattern faster, the Bible says that it is the rod that drives foolishness (rebellion) from our children’s hearts and teaches them to obey authority.

Today I can tell you with personal testimony that the Word of God on this issue of discipline does not return void. It accomplishes His desires! As we are faithful to do what He says, no matter how fruitless it may feel in the moment, we will surely see His reward. He has much bigger vision that you or I do. You see, not only does my son never get off his bed any more, but I know I have his heart in a way I didn’t a few years ago. Sure, he has much growing yet to do in what it means to obey and honor and serve (don’t we all?), but there is not a doubt in my mind that his earnest desire is to bless me and respect me. Believe me, I don’t credit this to any superior parenting on my part, but to the truth that His way works.

I would be misleading if I didn’t tell you that there are still times when I fall into the temptation to choose the faster way. There are too many moments when I want behavior modification and I want it now! But God has a much bigger plan than just getting my children to eat all their dinner tonight. He wants them to learn to respond to my authority with unquestioning obedience so that one day they will respond to Him likewise.

You know, the bedtime issue with my son didn’t resolve overnight simply because I’d gotten a conviction. The nighttime routine of getting out of bed continued for more than a year after that. But having a vision for the fact that I was not just trying to get him to go to sleep, but for how rebellion at its very root was being chipped away at, encouraged me to remain steadfast, no matter how long it took.

The rod and discipline takes time. It requires a pure heart on my part. It isn’t necessarily the “quick fix” that I’d like. But the Word says that it will drive foolishness from my children’s hearts (Prov 22:15). It says that it will be life to them (Prov 23:13-14)! It says that if I love my children, I will take this time and effort to chastise them (Heb 12:5-11).

And it says that if I train my children in the way they should go, when they are old they will not depart (Prov 22:6).

Now that’s worth it, if you ask me!

]]> http://momandus.com/2008/05/01/spanking-gods-way/feed/ http://momandus.com/2008/04/30/thoughts-from-the-word-on-discipline/ http://momandus.com/2008/04/30/thoughts-from-the-word-on-discipline/#comments Wed, 30 Apr 2008 13:56:10 +0000 Darlene Sinclair http://momandus.com/2008/04/30/thoughts-from-the-word-on-discipline/ In the past couple weeks we’ve presented teaching and practice as essential steps in childtraining. Now we must consider discipline. And I say must quite intentionally.

As I thought about what to write for this post I discovered something: my thinking had been skewed by the constant barrage against Biblical teaching regarding childtraining. As I attempted to gather my thoughts I found myself pussyfooting around taboo words such as “punishment”, walking on eggshells regarding administering (do I dare say it?) spankings, hedging about justice vs. mercy, becoming a professional euphemist.

“Yuck!” I thought. “What good will any of this namby-pamby stuff be for anyone? This is no better than psycho-babble. This will settle no issues, lend no strength, be no absolute help. We need a rock to stand on, to build on. Lord, help me!”

So back to the Word I went. Fresh water. Solid counsel. No namby-pamby stuff. No pussyfooting around. I love that about my God. He is strong and not afraid to act on that strength. He is gentle and not embarrassed to be so. And He has made us in His image. He has called us to act as He acts, love as He loves, to demonstrate strength and gentleness.

Today I invite you to refresh yourself with the Word of God. I am going to present to you a list of scriptures to read through, then next time we will have a common reference to work from. I will keep it simple — just address and text. My one request? Look for words and concepts that our culture pooh-poohs. You may be surprised.

Ready? Let’s do it!

Prov.23:13
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.

Deut.8:5
Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.

Prov.3:11,12 3:11
My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Lev. 26:18, 23, 24
“If after all this you will not listen to me, I will punish you for your sins seven times over.”
“If in spite of these things you do not accept my correction but continue to be hostile toward me, I myself will be hostile toward you and will afflict you for your sins seven times over.”

Prov. 6:23
For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life…

Eph.6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Hebrews 12:5-11
And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?
If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!
Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Deuteronomy 21:18-21
If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him,
his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town.
They shall say to the elders, “This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard.”
Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.

Additional -
Proverbs 13:24
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Proverbs 19:18
Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.

Proverbs 22:15
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13,14
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.
Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.

Proverbs 29:15,17
The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.

Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

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