Your adornment must not be merely external — braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
–1 Peter 3:3-5

I love the last part of 1 Peter 3:6 — the potential of a life that’s not frightened by any fear! How awesome is that! But what’s crazy is Peter is talking about Sarah — a woman who was taken by two godless kings into their houses. I would have been afraid!! And yet, she was not afraid because she trusted in God. And in her story, the Lord cast Himself as the knight in shining armor who, not once, but twice, defended her honor and got her out of those awful situations. (And He plays an awfully good hero, you have to admit: “King Abimelech, You’re a dead man!”) Sarah knew — knew that she knew that she KNEW — that as long as she was walking in His plan, He was ultimately responsible for her safety and future.

Submission’s greatest enemy in our hearts is fear. Yes, we have to get over our stubbornness, our pride, our American feminist independence, our plain old preferences. But when it comes down to it, when the rubber meets the road, it’s fear that can completely do us in. I mean, let’s face it: we’re being asked to put our life on the line by a fallible man. That doesn’t sound very secure. And it’s not — except that God Himself is part of this equation, and He’s ready to defend those who walk in obedience to Him.

For me, this lesson came while still a daughter. For years and years, I submitted to my dad because, yes, I knew I was supposed to (Ephesians 6 and all that!), but also because why not? He was really, really smart, and always knew what was best for me. (What can I say? I have a really great dad!) Then one day, as adult decisions loomed, I suddenly began to wonder if maybe Dad could, you know, make mistakes! — and had to learn what it meant to submit because God said so. Now, as a wife, each time I come back to this issue of facing fear, trusting God, and submitting, I realize afresh that really, this is simply another call to total surrender — just another means used by God to bring me to a yielded place of radical devotion to Him.

Are you willing to take a leap of faith, and trust in God as He uses authorities in your life? Are you ready to let go of yourself and walk according to His plans? Are you willing to ultimately submit to Him as He molds and makes you into the image of His Son?

Week 1: Sarah: A Holy Woman

Week 2: Sarah: A Woman Who Chose Trust

Week 3: Sarah: A Woman of Character

Your adornment must not be merely external — braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
–1 Peter 3:3-5

So what can we learn from Sarah, as we consider her story through the lens of 1 Peter?

First, Sarah had a submissive spirit. If we are going to honor God as we relate to authorities in our lives, we must first have a deep-down, unshakable conviction that this is the place to which we’ve been called. (Read Genesis 2:18, Psalm 144:12, and 1 Corinthians 11:3 to begin further study.)

Peter, when referring to Sarah and other holy women, says they were adorned with a quiet spirit. That may not seem to have much to do with trust and submission, but Peter isn’t saying these women didn’t talk much. Rather, the word “quiet” that’s used there means they did not tend towards contention and strife, but to peace and support. (Hooray! We can all be “quiet” and still be chatty!) Long before Abraham asked her to do these hard things, Sarah had begun adorning her heart with an attitude of peace and support. (How convicting! Can we stop now??!) So we see how being “quiet” ties in with submission, but here’s the truth: you can only have the adornment of a quiet spirit when your trust is in God.

Second, Sarah submitted to Abraham because she trusted in and obeyed God, NOT because she trusted in Abraham! These holy women first “hoped in God,” and then were submissive to their own husbands. What does it mean to trust? Well, I like this definition: “surrender; a firm belief in the honesty and reliability of another.” In Genesis 12 and 20, she was able to go along with and support Abraham because she truly trusted God with her life.

Submission is not a crazy idea someone had back in the Stone Age (as if there was such a thing…) God Himself has ordained this authority thing, and has chosen to execute His plan for our lives through it. Yes, God’s plan for your life will come to pass as you embrace His call to follow and place yourself under the authorities in your life. Honestly, submission is really about obedience to God. It might seem crazy at times. (Or insane; ask Sarah!) But the question God is asking us is, Will you obey me in this? Why would God promise to lead and guide us and then tell us to submit unless He planned on guiding us through the structure of authority? God will not contradict himself; there is no way true joy for you lies in disobedience, and there’s no way His plan includes rebellion.

Of course, submitting doesn’t mean we don’t pray for and appeal to our authorities. Definitely! If you’re married, your husband needs your prayers! He probably needs your appeals, too! Be the prophet in your home! If you’re a daughter, your father needs you to be praying on his behalf for wisdom! He needs to know your heart! But if/when prayers seem to fail, appeals are shut down, and your heart is not heard — God is still God, and He has plans to prosper you. (And He’s proud of you for obeying Him as you submit!)*

God doesn’t want to just lead us down our life’s path; He wants to build character. The issue for Sarah, for example, was not whether or not Abraham made a wise decision, but what her response would be. She wouldn’t answer on judgment day for his decision, but she would answer for her response. This was a test of what she was made of! And there’s so much more to God’s will than what we do; there’s who we are, and submission, while it is a means of guidance and protection (what we do) is even more an instrument used in the building of character, proven through our responses (who we are.)

Week 1: Sarah: A Holy Woman

Week2: Sarah: A Woman Who Chose Trust

*Have an issue of an authority demanding things contrary to God’s standard of morality? Those are important questions. Please feel free to send them our way.

Your adornment must not be merely external — braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
–1 Peter 3:3-5

“Submission and trust are not just thrown in as two arbitrary qualities of the Bible’s good girls. The two go hand in hand. A true heart attitude of peaceful submission — free from worry, anxiety, or bitterness — is only possible when we find a deep place of trust in God. Sarah learned trust through difficult situations as she trusted God, obeyed in spite of her husband’s fallibility, and reaped reward.” (from last week’s post.)

Let’s take a look at the opportunities for trust in Sarah’s life. Grab your Bible and turn to Genesis 12:1-5, and 12:10-20.

First, we see Abram (not yet Abraham) receiving a word from the Lord to pack up and go. Go where? Well, to the land the Lord would show him. Huh. I don’t know about you, but I get nervous when we get in the car for a trip, and I have a sneaking suspicion that Ryan doesn’t actually know where we’re supposed to be heading. (Fortunately, the handy-dandy iPhone calms most of my fears!) Nonetheless, Abram packs up house, servants, animals, and his wife Sarai (not yet Sarah), and they all head out. Unnerving, I’d say.

And then, through a series of unfortunate events, we end up in Egypt, where the story gets a little kooky. “Say you’re my sister, so the Egyptians don’t kill me,” Abram asks.* And Sarai must have thought, “Huh. Nice for you, but what about me? If they think I’m up for grabs, who’s to say they won’t help themselves?” But apparently, she kept her mouth shut and, when asked, said she was simply Abram’s sister. Surprise, surprise — Pharaoh ends up taking her into his house, and just in the nick of time, the Lord shows up and strikes Pharaoh’s house with a plague. Things get sorted out, and Abram’s on his merry way, with Sarai, who just had the roller coaster ride of her life — or so she thinks.

Except now we turn to Genesis 20:1-18, and Abraham decides to pull the same stunt!! You know Sarah was thinking, “You have GOT TO BE KIDDING!!” But no, he’s not. Amazingly enough, Sarah again displays a profound trust in God, and submits to what Abraham asks of her. And once again, the king of the country they’re in takes Sarah into his house. (This is my favorite part:) God, once again, shows up to save the day as Sarah’s defender and tells King Abimelech that he’s a dead man, because he took a married woman. Again, things get sorted out, and they’re on their way. Phew. What a day!

Reading in Genesis, we might be tempted to wonder why on earth Sarah played along with these crazy schemes. We might picture her to be an oppressed doormat of a woman. We might just chalk it up to a strange and foreign culture. Fast-forward to 1 Peter, however, and we discover that none of those scenarios rightly capture Sarah’s heart. No, the simple reason for her actions was this: she hoped in God — completely — and was therefore able to submit to her husband.

More on this next week!

*Note: A bit of reading of OT culture, along with Abraham’s defense in 20:12, leads us to understand that Sarah actually was Abraham’s sister, and in those days, the familial tie was much stronger and more respected than a marital tie. A greedy king may have been tempted to kill the husband of a wealthy woman, but wouldn’t bother killing a brother, since her wealth would simply go back to her father’s house. I only reference this to point out that Abraham did NOT ask Sarah to lie. We are not required by God to submit to immoral laws (”It is better to obey God than man.”)

None the less, we must open our eyes to her mistakes and learn from them as well. We would be foolish to not do so.

In the Genesis 25-28 account of Isaac and Rebekah we find that Rebekah enters into purposed deception of her husband. She involves her favorite son in this deception by dressing him in goat skins and sending him in with stew — a pretense of Esau returning from the countryside with stew made from hunted game. It worked…seemingly. But let’s look at some of the immediate and long-term fruit of this deception.

Isaac, her husband, was visibly shaken when he discovered he’d been tricked out of giving the blessing to his first-born.

“Then Isaac trembled greatly…” Gen. 27.33

Consider Isaac. He’s quite old in years. Esau is his first born son whom he loves dearly. He was eager to bless him, looking forward to that momentous occasion. Suddenly he finds that he has been robbed of this, a father’s great joy. Not only does this bring more damage to the unity they should be experiencing as man and wife, it grieves him; it breaks his father’s heart and belittles his manhood. It is crushing to him, resulting in emotional and physical shaking. She was not created for this but has willingly become a tool of Satan in this situation.

Some of us have done similar damage; some of us have harmed rather than helped, torn down instead of building, discouraged when we should have imparted words of faith and confidence. Is the damage too much? Is it beyond repair? Nothing is too difficult for God when we come to Him, repent, and obey. His grace and mercy is more than enough. We must simply humble ourselves before God and man. He gives grace to the humble. Building can start again, renewed trust can be gained in time. Do it now. It is not too late.

And what became of her beloved Jacob, her favorite son to whom she taught deception? What fruit was borne in his life? There is a scriptural principle: you reap what you sow. Jacob sowed deception and his life reaped deception bountifully.

His father-in-law deceived him, giving him Leah instead of Rachel. “And he said to Laban, ‘What is this you have done to me? Was it not for Rachel that I served you? Why then have you deceived me?’” Gen. 29.25

Later in Jacob’s life his sons deceive him and bring him great sorrow. They sell his son, Joseph, as a slave and tell him that Joseph was killed. It is a sorrowful story of contention and strife amongst siblings resulting in Jacob’s broken heart. Something about this story sounds vaguely familiar, like a rerun or something.

Jacob served Laban, his father-in-law for 20 years. He sorrowed needlessly over Joseph for 22 years before being reunited. “…few and evil have been the days of the years of my life…” Gen 47.9 Those were Jacob’s final words. A life marked by deception.

Let’s consider Esau, also caught in this web of deception woven by Rebekah. He became a man consumed with bitterness. “So Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing with which his father blessed him, and Esau said in his heart, ‘The days of mourning for my father are at hand; then I will kill my brother Jacob.’” Gen. 27.41 Sounds like a breach to me.

The breach went beyond his sibling relationship. He despised his parents as well. “Also Esau saw that the daughters of Canaan did not please his father Isaac. So Esau went to Ishmael and took Mahalath the daughter of Ishmael, Abraham’s son, the sister of Nebajoth, to be his wife in addition to the wives he had.” Gen. 28.8,9 His goal was to inflict pain, to repay hurt for hurt, a vicious cycle that is never satisfied.

Rebekah herself was not exempt from suffering the consequence of her deception. There is no indication that her marriage with Isaac is ever fully restored to a place of unity. She does go on to make an appeal regarding Jacob marrying a daughter of the land of Canaan; Isaac responds by sending him back to her brother to find a wife. That’s a marked improvement, no doubt.

More painful than anything must have been her need to protect Jacob from his older brother, Esau. Rebekah sends Jacob away into exile to find safety; she never saw him again. Quite a price to pay, I would say.

Does the impact of deception and treachery end there? No, it is never that simple. Esau’s descendants, the Edomites, were enemies of Israel (Jacob) for generations. Scripture records their refusal to let Israel pass through their land (Numbers 20.14-21) and we find in I Kings 11.14-25 that Hadad, a royal Edomite, was Solomon’s great enemy. In the New Testament we discover the “clan of Herods” to have descended from Edom, including Herod the great (killed the infants at Jesus birth), Herod Antipas (took John the Baptist’s head), and Herod Agrippa (executed James and imprisoned Peter). Nice crowd.

Isaac’s spiritual blindness is no excuse for Rebekah’s sin and scheming. Two wrongs make… more wrong, more sin. She could have, and should have, broken the sin pattern. Someone needs to change — why not the wife?

Men failing to lead does not exempt us from our call to submission. When women take over, men are further weakened. Men need women who will support them so they can grow in strength and confidence. After all, theirs is no easy call, no “walk in the park”.

I leave you with a quote. Unfortunately, I don’t know where I got it from so it can not be properly credited. But it’s too good to pass up.

“Rebellion is the fruit of misplaced confidence in self. Submission is the fruit of confidence in God.”

Get out your 3×5 cards and write it down. That’s one worth remembering in my book.

Now we will find that Rebekah fails to trust Isaac, her husband. More importantly she fails to trust God.

First of all, let me say right here that this trust issue is a tricky one. Are some men more trustworthy than others? Yes. Plain and simple, yes. All men have track records: the good records commend our trust, the bad ones do not. Is any man 100% trustworthy, infallible in every way? No, not one.

Like I said, this is a tricky issue. The bottom line is this: our trust ultimately must lie in God. Our husbands may earn our trust over time. Even so there will be decisions made and situations thrust upon us which will go beyond that trust and drive us to our knees, requiring us to recognize His supreme care in our lives.

Basically, there are two levels of trust required in a healthy marriage: one is conditional in measure, needing to be proven, earned over time. The other is infinite and absolute, fully proven for all eternity beyond a shadow of a doubt on a cross long ago. When the first trust is shaken or untried and insecure our trust in God can prevail. This is the trust that Rebekah failed to reach for.

Rebekah loved Jacob; Isaac loved Esau. Rebekah had received a word from the Lord concerning Jacob’s promotion over his elder brother, Esau. How would this come to pass, especially given Isaac’s preference for Esau? As the time of Isaac’s death grew near, she became concerned that Jacob receive the blessing of the firstborn rather than Esau. She contrived to take matters into her own hands through deception. She failed to trust God for the fulfillment of His word.

Rebekah has lived with Isaac many years now. She has seen his mistakes, disagreed with his choices, perhaps even felt disappointment and hurt. Now she is involved in a situation involving God’s will and destiny for her favorite son. It appears that once again Isaac will miss or overlook God’s plan for his own personal choice. What is a woman, a wife, a mother to do? How can she sit by and watch this happen?

1. Focus on our accountability to God.
What has he called you to do? Before concerning yourself with your husband’s responsibilities look to your own. Are you showing him respect? Is unity being cultivated in your heart? Are you walking in careful obedience? Do your words reflect honor toward him? These are things God requires of you. Keep focused on these.

2. Gently and respectfully remind him of God’s words.
A help meet is not a doormat. Silence when words are needed is not helpful. The withholding of Godly counsel is not love. You have been given to him for such a time as this. Share the word with this confidence — it will not return void and will accomplish that for which it was intended.

3. Make a Godly appeal.
You’ve walked in respect and love. You’ve shared the word of God. A decision has been made which you question. Now is the time for a Godly appeal. A Godly appeal is timely, respectful, creative, well-crafted. Don’t spring it on him when he’s exhausted, don’t harangue him, don’t “wing it”. Make sure you have taken time to plan and think it through, to prepare with prayer and fasting if needed, and to be backed by the Word of God for the sake of faith and confidence. For Biblical examples read Daniel 1.3-15 and Esther 5, 6, & 7.

4. Sit back and watch God work it out His way.
This can be the fun part.
But it can also be the hardest part. God does not always do things our way. It may appear to get worse before it gets better. But remember where your trust lies. His faithfulness reaches to the clouds, His mercies are new every morning. Isaac may have given the firstborn blessing to Esau. Who can say? But this I can say — God’s will would not have been hindered by Isaac’s “mistake” (if indeed it would have been one.) God works in mysterious ways, and His ways are certainly not our ways. Allow His peace to be your portion as you release these things into His loving hand.

Learning to trust God as our husbands lead is a lesson vital to the health and success of any marriage. And He is more than worthy of your trust!

On to Rebekah, the first woman in our series, Women of the Bible.

Last week we introduced Rebekah, recognizing her willingness, trust in God, and faith. She was off to a great start. But what happened in the years that followed?

For twenty years, Rebekah was barren. The scripture records that Isaac prayed to the Lord on her behalf and she became pregnant with twin boys. Wrestling matches within her womb had caused her to inquire of the Lord. God told her that He was birthing two nations from her womb, two separate people, one stronger than the other, and the older would serve the younger. Esau and Jacob were born when Isaac was sixty years old.

The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was a quiet man, staying among the tents. Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob. Gen. 25.27,28 NIV

This is the first indication of their troubled marriage. They were not in unity. Never mind for the moment the issue of their disunity (preference for particular children), this lack of singleness of mind is a precursor for trouble. Woman was created to be a helpmeet, an abettor for the accomplishment of God’s will in and through her husband’s life. How will that be done if her heart is opposed to his?

“But,” you submit, “what if you really don’t agree with him, don’t love what he loves?” I understand. God understands. He didn’t say it would automatically happen. That is why older women need to teach younger women this very thing!

Let’s back up a bit. Let’s consider some ways to guard unity before we become entrenched in emotional wars.

1. Share openly and honestly.
Share your intimate thoughts with your husband. Make him your chief confidante and counselor. Rebekah received a word from the Lord. There is no record of her sharing this with Isaac. She hid it in her heart (the right thing to do — after sharing it with him who should know your heart).

If your husband doesn’t know what is moving you, how your heart is inclined, what God has revealed to you, how can he help steward such treasure? He is commanded to watch over you, to give himself for you.

Even if he has not yet responded to these commandments, you need to position yourself so that he can! Our part is to anticipate such care by placing ourselves in a position to receive it. If your husband fails (and all husbands will at some time fail,) take your hurt and disappointment to God. He can heal and bring renewed faith. But we must be willing to try.

2. Do not worry.
If your husband chooses to disregard what is a Word from God, do not fret. If he fails to understand your heart, do not be anxious. Oh, woman of God, do you not know that nothing is too difficult for God? Will your husband’s error be the undoing of all God plans for you? In choosing obedience to your husband, He is honored because you are ultimately choosing obedience to His Word. So stop your worrying. It is not His portion for you. It is not becoming to a daughter of the King.

Is this easy? Sometimes it is a battle. Put on your armor. Stand in truth. And having done all to stand, stand.

3. Use Godly appeals.
Unity doesn’t mean dumb silence, ignorant and blind following. If your husband is making a choice that you are not in agreement with, make a Godly appeal.

Study Esther to learn more about making Godly appeals. A quick overview reveals that she was respectful and honoring of her husband’s position; she was feminine (in her submissive attitude and caring heart); she was well prepared — she and her own had sought God through prayer and fasting; she chose the right place and time.

4. Continue in prayer.
You have prayed. You have made Godly appeals. Now you continue in prayer, releasing the outcome to God, recommitting your allegiance to the man with whom you have been mysteriously made one, realizing that God will be honored in all of this. The rest is in His hands.

Pray without ceasing. These matters can shake us at times. We can feel emotionally undone. Do not let your faith in Him be undermined by emotion. Cling to what is good and right. Battle in prayer. Battle for unity.

I am not saying that God will automatically turn your heart to one of complete agreement. That is not a requisite for embracing unity. An understanding that He reigns over all allows us to choose unity, to choose to support our husbands.

True unity of heart is this: “I believe that God has called me to be your helpmeet. That includes this decision. Since this decision is not a direct disobedience of God’s Word, I choose to support you in it. I will do my best to see you and all involved succeed, for that is God’s will for my life. His grace will enable me to do it!”

If the decision made later proves to be faulty, we will not be tempted to judge and pronounce, “I told you so” because we were united in heart with them. If failure comes, we remind them that God is in control, that they are called to great things, and that He is our shield and refuge. He will work all things together for good!

Because you have cultivated unity through faith, acting out proper submission and a willingness to support, you now will have words of genuine faith to share with him when most needed. Had you not cultivated such unity his heart would now decline your counsel; your heart would not be full of good things and disunity would persist.

Marriage requires commitment to unity. It is not automatic but will require great effort. A commodity such as unity is well worthy of our greatest endeavors.

As wives there are ample opportunities for demonstrating love for our husbands in practical ways. A site was recently recommended: http://www.the-generous-wife.com/ You can receive daily tips and reminders of things to do which will communicate love and support. Here are a few basic beginning points.

Provide healthy meals in timely fashion. Learn to know his likes and be happy to accommodate his preferences cheerfully. Manage your life, as much as possible, around his schedule. Some guys work crazy hours which may not always allow for shared meals, but try to come up with a system which provides good foods for him. And cater to him by making his favorite dish or dessert from time to time, even if it’s not his birthday!

Keep his clothes clean and available. It’s that simple.

Minister to his desire for physical relationship. Never hold back, be generous in this area. Learn to serve him even if it may not be the top thing on your list for that day. If it’s on his list, it’s important that you not only participate, but do so gladly. Granted, husbands in this day and age aren’t taught about a woman’s needs in this arena, but that is not what I am addressing at the moment. That’s for him to learn. Your responsibility and privilege is to bless him. Warmth and genuine affection communicate care, appreciation, respect, and desire. He needs to know you find him attractive. And he needs to know you are happy to belong to him.

Be a good listener. Just sit and hear him out before lending him your two cents. Maybe his pocket is already full change and he doesn’t really need your opinion (right then anyway.) Just listen and care about his heart and dreams. Show sincere interest in the things that interest him. Learn about those things and genuinely care about them.

Be kind. Guard your words, keep your countenance pleasant, write notes of encouragement or love. Show him all the courtesy that you show your friends. As your husband he deserves that and more.

Do yourself and him a favor: guard his time, especially his family time and devotional/study time. Screen phone calls when he is in prayer or study. Train your children to respect his need for privacy and time with the Lord. Keep non-family members from interrupting unnecessarily during special times set aside for the children or you. In our modern world, intrusion upon privacy seems constant. Help guard him from the onslaught.

Every relationship will have particular and peculiar opportunities to express love in very hands-on practical ways. Love that isn’t visible and tangible is not truly functioning. We deceive ourselves if we think we love when these practical areas are lacking expression of genuine care. Real love is observable by others and experienced in real ways by those we care for.

Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. NKJ

This scripture makes it clear that in our relationship with our husbands we must take care to show respect. Interesting that Paul calls for a husband to love his wife and a wife to respect her husband. Could it be that respect is a critical component in building your husband? Were you aware that women can have an active role in building men? You, as a wife, either build up or tear down.

Husbands need our respect. Theirs is a weighty calling: to work dutifully, to seek God on our behalf, to lead us, to love us as Christ loves the church. Responding with respect creates a safer environment in which he can carry out these duties. A loving, supportive wife is a treasure. A nagging woman who spews disrespect is far from that.

When we fail to show respect for his person, his words, or his decisions we are actively destroying his confidence. Negative comments and gestures tear down his sense of personal worth and value, stunting his leadership development. Often times I hear a wife claiming to want a stronger leader, complaining that her husband is not willing to be the head of the house. I guarantee that if a man is trampled on every time he tries to lead, he will be tempted to either shrink back or leave you behind. Neither one is desirable.

“But how can I show him respect? You just don’t know what he’s done!”

I know that some of you face very difficult situations; I don’t pretend to understand your dilemma. But I do know that what God commands us to do, He empowers us to do. His grace is sufficient. I don’t say that flippantly; I realize that for some women this is an extremely challenging command. My confidence is in His ability, not yours or mine. His love is present and available for a sinner like me — surely it can meet any other sinner as well.

“Why should I show him unconditional respect? He’s sinful, lazy, fallible…”

Exactly. Wives need to be taught to show respect because when a husband fails respect is not the natural response. The fact that your husband is a sinner is no surprise. You did marry a mere man. But his sin is not beyond the Lord’s redemption. Part of His redemption plan includes our display of respect. Our willingness to walk in respect toward our husband encourages, releases, and enlarges. When a man senses that his wife is respecting him, he walks more carefully and boldly. He is free to grow because he is free to make mistakes without being blamed, nagged, and scolded.

Am I saying that true respect never speaks a contrary word? Not exactly. I am saying that respect never speaks a nagging, belittling word. There is always room for an appeal to a decision, for us to voice an opposite opinion; Godly appeals are not belittling but are full of wisdom and encouragement.

Here is a simple chart comparing honoring and belittling.

Showing respect is required both privately and publicly.

For instance, when you’re alone together he deserves to be given full respect. Don’t roll your eyes at his suggestions. Don’t jump in with a negative response before he has even finished his thought (and don’t jump in with a negative response even if he has finished his thought.) Don’t say, “I told you this would happen” if something goes wrong when you suspected it might. Why do wives expect their husbands to share their intimate thoughts and dreams if they are met with this kind of response? And why do we think they will become valiant leaders if we throw their failures up in their faces?

Now imagine this scenario. You are with your friends without hubby. Words slip into wrong directions and soon hubbies are being roasted right and left. You could jump in with that most embarrassing moment story of his, or you could join in by saying, “You’ll never guess what my husband does…”, or you might be tempted to voice your recent complaints. Don’t. Not even in jest, unless of course it is a story that has been previously approved by him. Sounds a bit extreme? Let’s remember “Do unto others”. When people tell a joke at my expense, it can hurt. When my failures become the brunt of humor, it can embarrass. It does not build. We can enjoy a good laugh as long as it in no way degrades or belittles or reveals sin. Love covers, love builds, love encourages.

Here’s another one: You’re visiting with a few other people and your husband endeavors to recount a story. A few sentences into his tale, you add a correction of his facts. He makes two more statements and another correction is made. This continues until he finally says, “Why don’t you tell the story — I never get it quite right.” Now, it may be that you have mutually agreed that he is not a good story teller. If so, that is fine. But if not, he may be feeling a bit put down. At that point you need to ask yourself, how important was it that the house was blue, not green? Did it really matter that the little boy was two and a half, not three? Maybe honoring your husband’s moment of story-telling was more critical.

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12.4 (emphasis mine)

When we show respect, we bring honor to him. When we cause shame, we are like the Proverbs 14.1 woman who foolishly pulls down her own house. So let’s remember once again to love our husbands by showing them the respect commanded by the Word of God.

Our ability to freely love our husbands begins with a true love for God. Without first loving Him we cannot love our husband. We do not have the capability to love apart from Him.

Matt. 27.37-39 Jesus said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.” This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

We often dismiss the call to love our neighbor when that neighbor is a member of our household. Siblings fail to love one another, wives fall short of loving their husbands. Somehow family is exempt from “neighborly” treatment. It should not be so. Family, as well as neighbors, are to be loved as we love ourselves. Forget looking out for #1 with this exception: let it determine the standard of treatment toward your husband, family, and neighbor.

1 Jn. 4.19-21 We love Him because He first loved us. If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen? And this commandment we have from Him: that he who loves God must love his brother also.

We deceive ourselves if we think we love God but do not love our husbands. It is hogwash, actually. Now that is brutal; honest, but brutally so. But such litmus tests are good for us. They keep us on course, and they keep us in need of Him.

How many times have I thought, and have I heard other wives lament, “But I just want to be loved!” Do our husbands fall short in loving us? Most assuredly, even the most perfect husband fails to love continuously. Are we to wait for his success before we give love? Is this meant to be tit for tat? Must it be a “love in return” situation? Absolutely not!

“We love Him because He first loved us.” The first thing we learn from this verse is that love begins with Him. We are not the originator of love. In order to have love ministered through us, we must first receive love from Him. That provision was made through His Son, Jesus Christ and His death on the cross. We must accept and know His love for us, then we must draw regularly from that source.

There’s also a principle revealed here: love given reaps love in return. You cannot out-give God — what you sow you shall also reap. Sow His love and you will have love poured into your life. This is not magic; it is simply a spiritual principle.

Is this a guarantee that your husband will become everything you ever dreamed he would be? No! This is not a manipulative tactic. This is to be sincere love. Check out 1 Cor. 13 again.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

We find that love is not self-seeking. When you set yourself to serving your husband and looking out for his interests, your heart is transformed as well. Will he be touched and changed? Absolutely, but that is not the goal. Love from a pure heart is what God is wanting. Pretense does not produce fruit, genuine love does.

At the same time we do know that love is powerful; it has transforming potential. God is love. God is all-powerful. We can know that love lavished upon an individual yields change in that person’s life. It is undeniably true. But that is in God’s hands. Our part is to love Him and to love others.

So begin afresh today — determine to love your husband. Love him as God has loved you and as you love yourself, and do so freely.