Parenting

We continue to receive questions regarding the how’s, why’s and when’s of discipline. Today I will do my best to tackle three more:

1. For example, your three-year-old daughter bites her baby sister. You enter the scene: there is a crying baby and you discover bite marks on her hand. After scooping the baby up and comforting her, you turn to the guilty party. “Susie, no, no. You are never allowed to bite anyone. Ever. It isn’t kind. The Bible tells us we are to be kind to one another. Look at Mama; you are not allowed to bite,” all the while touching the infant’s hand so that Susie clearly makes the connection. You lead Susie in an apology and then resettle everyone so you can get back to cooking dinner.
   A few minutes later, you hear wailing again. Upon returning to the scene, you again see bite marks on the infant. This is directly contrary to what you clearly communicated. Susie has outright disobeyed you and broken a command.
   Another example is that of your ten-year-old son who has been told repeatedly to take his muddy boots off at the door. You have left plenty of room for childishness (different than the Biblical definition of foolishness) by reminding him lots and extending mercy countless times. It sincerely seems that he is forgetting. You have posted signs on the back door, “Take Shoes Off Upon Entry,” and reminded him 10x/day for the past 4 months as he tromps through the kitchen, but there has been no improvement and your son’s behavior is crossing the line from forgetfulness to laziness and carelessness. A spanking is administered because he is continually breaking a rule and showing disregard for your instruction. I can personally testify that spankings do help us remember what multiple reminders cannot!

1. When do you administer a spanking; what infractions deserve what kind of punishment?There is no black and white instruction in the Bible on exactly what actions and behaviors require a spanking– God hasn’t laid out exact scenarios. This is because God is wise: He creates each person to be unique, and He knows that no two homes look identical, no two parents are identical, and no two children act identically. Instead, He gives us principles to live by that help us make decisions at every point and time.

The chief principle I see in the Word on when to administer discipline is when confronting rebellion. There are the obvious signs of rebellion: foot stomping, talking back, a total disregard of what you just said, and that defiant toddler exclamation, “NO!” There are also times when the actual infraction is against another party or breaking a “house rule” but its root has become rebellion because you have clearly communicated and taught that they are to behave otherwise.

The infractions that deserve a spanking in your home might be different than the infractions that deserve a spanking in my home. Some of you might not mind if your kids jump on the beds. I mind, and so my children are taught that they are not allowed to jump on the bed and that they are disobeying Mama if they do so. I remember growing up and making the excuse to Mom that So-and-So got to do certain things that we weren’t allowed to do. I didn’t think I ought to get in trouble for something that another child didn’t. That’s when Mom would say, “God didn’t give So-and-So to me and Daddy; He gave you to us. He knows what He’s doing. If you were So-and-So’s child, you would have a whole different set of rules, but you’re my child. And God must know that you need these rules.” This reinforced the principle that God is sovereign, it reminded me that Mom and Dad’s authority came from God, and it taught me not to envy or covet another’s situation.

2. How do you handle situations when your child immediately repents after sinning, and you discern that its because he/she wants to avoid spankings?
Repentance/forgiveness and consequences are separate issues. God is merciful and gracious, and there are times when we repent and He rescues us from the consequences that naturally follow our sin. This isn’t always the case, though.

There is a dear, dear man I have gotten the chance to know who lived a homosexual lifestyle years ago before he became a believer. His repentance has been genuine and he praises Christ for the forgiveness he has been given. But he still has HIV. There remain consequences.

I wholeheartedly believe there are times when we as parents will be led by the Spirit to mercifully release our child from the consequences of his behavior. We must also teach him, however, that our words and actions have repercussions. As a general rule, I suggest that when your child repents after sinning, acknowledge that apology (however insincere you discern it to be) and extend forgiveness, and then gently explain that his words/actions were wrong and that there will still be consequences.

3. How do you spank in public?
The goal of spanking isn’t embarrassment or humiliation. I think it’s very important that our discipline always be done with respect, kindness, one-on-one communication, and rational teaching. Whether you’re in your own home, with friends, at the grandparents’ house, or at church, seek out a private place to work through issues with your child. In Mom’s post on Administering the Rod, she laid out a process that can easily be transfered from home to other places because it demonstrates respect and privacy.

Speaking from personal experience, we have found that when we are out and about, we think very carefully before we vocalize expectations. It’s important that we not issue commands that we aren’t prepared to follow through on due to the environment and situation we’re in. This is not to say that there aren’t times when we are out and discipline needs to take place (because there are, and that’s often when we as parents have to get creative in order to get one-on-one with our child), but simply to note that teaching and training ideally happens at home, where we’re able to withdraw to a private place with our child and not cause undue humiliation and embarrassment to him.

Being out and about can get tricky, particularly when we’re in public areas such as grocery stores, baseball games, museums, playgrounds, etc. As parents, we ought to strive to do the right thing for our children according to our conscience. Dealing with issues in a private, discreet and non-humiliating way might mean that we relocate to a different place in order to have the needed privacy (return to the privacy of the car, for example). In the case of older children, it might mean postponing the discussion time and discipline for a short time until we are in a place where we can process things properly.

In the end, there is no replacement for the Lord directing our hearts as we deal with the sin of our children. He is their Heavenly Father and is even more committed to their growth than we are! I can recall situations when I was a child and my parents deviated from the normal and expected course of action. There was no doubt in my mind then that they did so because they felt something different was the right thing for that moment; I am certain now that the Spirit was leading them and showing them exactly what was necessary to most thoroughly show me the Gospel. Be ready to be led by the Spirit and recognize the guidance of the Lord as you shepherd your children. Incline your heart to Him and He will undoubtedly speak to you.