Parenting

We continue to receive questions on this important issue — important to us because we recognize the weighty responsibility and the limited resource of time. If we could experiment, trying different tactics again and again, with no loss of time, that would be one thing. But if we
are at all astute, we realize that we need to apply principles today, knowing that we will not have today again. That, my friends, can be a bit scary.

How grateful I am for the Word of God at just such times. And what a source of peace is the knowledge that He will never leave me or forsake me, that He will be my teacher, my supply of grace, and a fount of never-ending mercy! Just as He is everything I need, so He is everything my child will ever need. What cause this is for rejoicing! What a refuge for this oft-times weary heart!

So, as a pastor of mine used to say, “Don’t get down, get serious.”

It’s time to continue looking to God for His truth, putting aside carnal wisdom and accepting the pure stuff of the Word. This is no time to experiment (who can dare experiment with something as precious as your child’s heart?) At times like these I refuse to be deterred from embracing the simple words of scripture. I reject attempts to discredit the unadulterated Word. I will not allow His principles to become difficult. They were made for me for help and guidance. They were not intended to be out of reach, confusing, incomprehensible, unattainable. Through His indwelling Holy Spirit and child-like faith I can learn, apply, and succeed. So can you. Review the scriptures once again. Do not be daunted, trust Him implicitly, take His yoke, and let’s go!

Questions we’ve received:

1. How old is too old for spankings? How young is too young?

There are no absolutes. Leaning upon your intuition, your sense of what is good and right for this particular child, is essential. That said, I will encourage you to think beyond the cultural normative.

A 12 month old (and maybe even younger) is capable of learning not to touch, not to bite, not to climb, etc. When they do something you don’t want them doing, clearly state the rule (”No biting.” or “No touch!”) Demonstrate the action and shake your head to establish that simple form of communication. If and when they do the unwanted action again, repeat all the above and flick the back of their hand so that there is an immediate consequence. Two or three times is usually all it takes. In time a simple shaking of your head will clue them in. Of course, there will be exceptions to this — some are stubborn, some don’t seem to comprehend, some melt into tears when you simply look at them somewhat sternly. You must learn to know them and act accordingly.

When do children outgrow spankings? There is no magic number. We are looking to establish them in respectful obedience. Foolish behavior needs to be weeded out. If your 12-16 year old is still struggling with an issue, prayer, Bible study, and various removals of privileges should all be employed, but at some point you may feel there is a need for physical discipline. That will be up to you. Nothing in the Bible indicates an age limit. Once again, it must be preceded by instruction, dialogue, and prayer. Physical discipline is always to be done in a context of building communication and love.

2. What if they don’t ever seem to understand?

I will repeat here the need to be sensitive to the Spirit. Sometimes lack of comprehension is genuine; other times it is a convenient cover-up for willful disobedience.
If your child genuinely does not understand, try other means of communicating. Act out the offense, point it out consistently. Is he learning some things but not others? Perhaps there is a deeper need being communicated. Here’s an example from my own experience.

Our children were taught to stay on their beds at naptime and bedtime. One child, however, consistently broke this rule. She stayed on her bed when first put there, but long after the kid’s “lights out” time she would come to our room. We would put her back to bed, repeating this with a spanking. After several nights of this behavior, I woke one morning to find her sleeping on the floor outside our bedroom door. With tears in my eyes, I realized that she had a deeper need. For the next several nights I slept on the floor next to her bed holding her hand. In time, she was secure and outgrew whatever her need was.

However, there was another situation I encountered which called for discipline when there seemingly was no comprehension. That story follows.

A daughter had been corrected repeatedly for rolling her eyes in disrespect. It was a slight rolling of the eyes — very minimal. But I felt a need to deal with it. I would point out the infraction regularly, asking her if she understood. “I don’t know what you mean, Mama.” I would act out the offense. Still no acknowledged comprehension. After this continued for months, I went to the Lord in desperation. This was an inappropriate response to authority that I needed to see rooted out of my young daughter’s life. What to do? I felt a release to act: I would point out the infraction when it happened and even if she was unable to express a comprehension of her error, I would follow through with a spanking. I was confident that if a certain response was met with discipline each time, she would soon sort out what the negative action was and correct it. She needed one spanking and it never happened again, indicating that there was more comprehension than admitted.

3. Both parents agree upon utilizing certain child training paradigms but notices a problem with implementation as administered by the other parent. What should they do?

Don’t discuss it in the heat of the moment or in front of the children. Provide a united position when dealing with the child. Privately, bring up concerns or questions regarding each other’s approach. My husband and I don’t do things exactly the same, but still adhere to agreed upon principles. From time to time we suggest to one another a better way to interact in certain situations. We try to be very supportive of one another, and ultimately, if there is a difference in our opinion we may get some counsel from a trusted individual and ultimately I yield to his decision.

Children are not laboratory experiments but unique, living, changing, and growing individuals. There is no textbook anywhere that will tell you every word to say, every action to take in every situation. We need the Holy Spirit to show us how to apply the principles from the Word creatively. We also need to consider our Father’s interaction with us. He is the best example of parenting I know!

Above and beyond that, lost time, mistakes, sin, and error abound. God is not undone by this and neither should we be. Exercise faith, knowing that He is above all things, redeemer of all.He causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him. Did you think that your mistakes were not included in that great promise for your children? His love for them supercedes your failures; it even supercedes your best success!

Now that’s a promise to run with!