Parenting
Administering the Rod
A quick review of some basics will remind us to keep first things first. Remember, that discipline is administered in love as an aid to healthy growth, proper development, and improvement. Ideally, it follows thorough teaching and structured training. Love and recognition of a child’s value in His sight should be our motivation for child-training. Please look over previous posts in this category (parenting) if you joining us for the first time.
I promised to look at some of the practical aspects of using the rod. I want to begin by recommending some books that have influenced my thinking and actions through the years in beneficial ways. We need sources of Biblical encouragement; these are some sources that have blessed and strengthened me.
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God, the Rod, and Your Child’s Bod by Larry Tomczak
The Family — God’s Weapon For Victory by Robert Andrews
Raising Kids Who Hunger For God by Benny and Sheree Phillips
Shepherding A Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp
Let’s get right to a simple routine we have used throughout the years when discipline has been deemed necessary for one of our children.
1. Interrupt the situation (stop the fight, play, or conversation) and have the child hold your hand and accompany you to a private place. He should come willingly. If he doesn’t, that is a second infraction that must also be dealt with. (”Johnny, you aren’t allowed to scream and run away when I ask you to take my hand and come. Now you will need two spankings.*)
Take him to a private place. The point of discipline is not humiliation. This is meant to be a building time, not belittling. He is deserving of privacy.
2. Require the child to look you straight in the eye. This important step will allow you to not only perceive your child’s disposition, but it more readily draws him into a place of truth and subsequent repentance. It is more difficult for a child to present a bold-faced lie while genuinely encountering your gaze. In time, a glance from you in his direction will be all the correction needed in certain situations. Learn to establish direct eye contact. My husband’s words were regularly, “Eyeballs, please.” They knew he wanted them looking directly in his eyes, a window into his soul and theirs.
3. Question them as follows:
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Do you know why we’re here? (”Susie and I were fighting” or “I didn’t stop when you told me to.”)
What did you do? They answer accordingly, which is a basic acknowledgment of their error or sin. (”I hit Susie” or “I disobeyed you.”) If they don’t know, you must take time to thoroughly explain. Bring them into agreement on this point.*
What happens when we ____ (fill in the blank — hit, disobey, etc.)? (They answer: “I get a spanking.”) The benefit of having them list the infraction and cite the required discipline is twofold. First, you are assured of their comprehension. Second, it removes this whole transaction from the realm of personal whim on your part to the realm of a predetermined justice and consequent discipline. You can now explain to Johnny (or Susie, if you prefer) that you are as subject to this list of rules as he is. Whether you feel like it or not, you are obliged by God to perform consistent, faithful discipline for his sake. Suddenly he sees that this is not a personal affront by you to him. It is a simple act of justice as well as a required response for training purposes. It defuses a sense of emotion for both of you.
4. Have him apologize to you for his infraction against you (he has gone against the rules of your home) and then ask forgiveness, using very specific language. (”I’m sorry for hitting Susie” or “I’m sorry for jumping on the couch” followed by the clear words, “Will you forgive me, Mama?”) Learning to humble ourselves is critical. Fulfillment of complete cleansing and thorough clearing of the offense is accomplished by the offender uttering the important words, “Please forgive me” and then receiving the specific response of “I forgive you” from the other party in return. This transaction is critical and must not be overlooked or glossed over. If it is not spoken clearly, have them reiterate it.
5. Next he must apologize to Jesus. Remind him that Jesus wants him to obey you, be kind to Susie, etc. Explain that all we need to do is tell Jesus we are sorry and ask for forgiveness and the Bible promises that He will forgive. We can be certain that Jesus loves us and will forgive us. Lead him in words of repentance and prayer, assuring him that Jesus hears him and will be true to His word. (1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.)
6. Explain that because a rule was broken that requires a spanking, we must now follow through. Have him either bend over your knees (you are sitting) or (if the child is older) have him bend over with his hands on his own knees.
Use your specified rod (a safe tool, preferably more switch-like than heavy, for the purpose of achieving pain, not actual harm.) Refrain from using your hand; God recommends the use of a impersonal object. This allows your hand to remain a conveyance of gentleness and tender care.
Administer a predetermined number of swats (once again this keeps it out of the realm of emotion — we won’t wale on him in anger or skimp because we are feeling sad.) It must hurt, otherwise this is a pointless exercise, a sham. If this is not the real deal your child will disdain your authority, mock you, and become insolent. Somehow, deep inside, he knows how this should work and will be disappointed if you fail him. He may smile and be glad initially, but in time will be making fun of you, turning your attempts at discipline into mockery. Many times I hear parents say, “Spankings don’t work for Susie.” Upon questioning them I discover that Susie received two hand swats across her thickly diapered bottom. Of course spankings don’t work for Susie!
7. After the spanking has been administered, hold your child. If they are little, cuddle them on your lap. At any age*, wrap your arms around them tight and let them know how special they are, how much you love them, how glad you are for their love for you and Jesus. This should be a celebration of God’s great forgiveness, His faithful and boundless love. Love on them, big time! Once again, discipline is not the result of anger, frustration, and rejection (it is actually the opposite of the rejection that so many other forms of discipline rely on.*) We are not responding to a dislike of our child. We are responding to a desire to strengthen them because we love them and believe they can do better and attain greater character.
8. Once their souls have settled, having accepted forgiveness and being assured of your love, release them to repent and obtain forgiveness from the offended party. Oversee this as well, whether first-hand or through follow-up questions, to be sure it is fully and properly carried out. We want them to experience the joy of a clean slate!
For additional thoughts, check out Larry Tomczak’s online article, “Raising Happy, Respectful and Obedient Children”! Scroll down and read it all — it’s great!
*I will deal with some exceptions or additional thoughts another time. This is enough to chew on today!
Discussion
14 comments for “Administering the Rod”
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We have been trying to use a similar model with our 2 and 4 year old children, but for the 2 year old, it often seems like she will purposely disobey to get the undivided attention of the parent and the hugs and such at the conclusion of her discipline. We have made a point of taking more notice of her good behavior throughout the day and just giving her more one-on-one attention in general, but it hasn’t helped the situation. Is this normal/acceptable behavior or could we be missing something? Any thoughts?
Thank you so much. We do some of these steps, but not all of them. To see them listed in order with explaination is SO VERY helpful. I do have one question though - the “specified rod” do you have examples of what those could be?
I have read Shepherding a Child’s Heart and loved it. I will certainly look into the rest!
Thank you for posting this. I was reminded that I need to focus more on them repenting and asking forgiveness than I have been. It’s time to get “back on track!” ;-)
I don’t understand the part where the kids ask Jesus for forgiveness, and then we spank them anyway. It seems to me that we are sending two messages. Number one, that God’s forgiveness is boundless. But number two, that His forgiveness isn’t actually boundless, because it you must go through the appropriate punishment before you can get it. In other words, the penalty for breaking the law must be applied in order for God’s boundless forgiveness to be appropriated. We’re essentially telling our children that the sacrifice of the Cross wasn’t enough.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m totally on board with consequences for actions. (For example, I have no problem with a parent who says, “Hon, you are going to get spanked because you just did x,y, and z, and I’m hoping that this spanking will help you remember not to do x,y, and z again).”
I just think we shouldn’t bring a lot of theological talk into the equation, because bringing God into the spanking process makes for a LOT of confusion. I think that by combining spanking with “God’s great forgiveness,” many of us in the evangelical world are combining the gospel (saved by grace) with a works-based punishment-oriented cure for sin. In my mind, there’s some real inconsistancy here.
Your thoughts?
@Molly:
Consequences and forgiveness are not mutually exclusive. God’s forgiveness is boundless. No matter what we did — slapped a sister, or lied to our mother — God forgives us. But being forgiven doesn’t mean being let off the hook.
For example: when a friend got saved, they had a “past”. That past included theft. The amazing news is that, theft and everything else was covered under the Atonement, and they’re going to heaven. That’s a good deal. BUT, after Jesus forgave them and inhabited them with His Spirit and they became a full-fledged child of God, well, they still had some restitution to work out. And lots of apologies to make.
See, repentance and forgiveness change our standing with God, but our actions still may require consequence. And we learn from consequences; it’s just how we’re made!
I’ve gotta say, never once in all my life did I scratch my head about being forgiven by Jesus and then spanked for my infraction. If it was true that spankings and forgiveness were mutually exclusive, then I’d be in severe doubt and insecurity about my salvation every God chastened me — and I’m not. In fact, I dare say I’m much more secure even when being corrected by God than many people I know who did not experience the process of discipline that I grew up understanding.
Once again, spanking itself, as an isolated act, is not effective. It’s only a part in the big picture of our vision for children and families. None of this happens in a vacuum, but rather, in an environment where children are cherished, understood, pursued, shown the gospel by example on a daily basis, and where they see parents who passionately love the Lord and communicate His grace and love in tangible ways.
So many great thoughts and questions, making for really good discussion. Thanks!
@ Lori — Regarding your two year old who seems to be seeking attention. If you haven’t yet read Larry Tomczak’s online article that I linked to, take time to do so. He cites many practicle ways to “fill up the emotional tank” for our children. If she is still seeking more, meet her need. That’s what we would want from our Heavenly Father, and He is always our best example when it comes to parenting! If she continues to disobey, even if you suspect it is for the purpose of gaining attention, you have a predetermined responsibility to respond to that disobedience. Whether you choose to discipline or show mercy for any given infraction is your decision, but a response of some sort is required. You don’t need to analyze her motivation to determine whether or not to respond. But praying for insight and wisdom will also be needed. She may simply be going through a needy time — stages come and go and we must be flexible enough to meet their needs in these stages. He will give wisdom and grace for the individual needs of each child.
@Angela — “The specific rod” in our home is a wooden spoon. We have one located in each bathroom (our designated private space) and that is where discipline happens in our home. Bible commentaries explain that the translated Hebrew word for rod is “a branch”. Some friends have used something akin to a plastic conductor’s baton, but most people I know use a wooden spoon. Easy to purchase, simple and functional. Any other thoughts from readers?
I happen to like those thin, wooden paint stirrers. They give a sting but could never hurt. Anyone else?
Those paint stirrers would be perfect! You should paint some designs on them and open a home business — online, you know. ;)
Seriously, those are probably the best things I could imagine! Thanks, Lisa!
Thank you. What about in public? Or will you be discussing that separately?
I guess I’m wondering what leads up to the deemed necessary part. It sounds like the infraction is something the child knows should not be done so you’ve obviously talked about your expectations beforehand. But are there any reminders of what’s expected before you spank them? In other words, do you give them a chance to self correct? Or do you just spank them as soon as they break the rules?
Thanks.
I’m new to parenting, but one thing I’ve learned is that there needs to be a complete dependence on the Holy Spirit in these matters. We need God and His wisdom desperately! My family here (I’m Danica’s husband), can try and articulate good principals, but each child and situation is so different. (That’s not an excuse to cast off these principles, but a reality that ought to drive us to our knees.)
One thing I really valued about the Tedd Tripp book (and more importantly from the example set by my mother-and-father-in-law towards their children) is that ultimately we’re not striving for outward obedience (although that is important), but we strive to apprehend the very essence of their hearts—to know them.
The essence of biblical parenting then must begin with a radical pursuit by the parent to know his child intimately; simply yielding the rod will bring destruction.
With that in mind, and to suggest an answer to Brian’s question, at times there are chances to self-correct, and at times discipline is immediate.
Wow! Awesome, awesome stuff! This is so useful to me as a mother of a 9 month old. However, I would like to know what your take is on using the rod for training with younger children, i.e. 9 month olds! I read Shepherding a Child’s Heart after Brietta recommended it to me a few months ago and thought it was excellent. I also read To Train Up a Child and it discusses training your babies in simple obedience with the use of the rod for things such as not touching the flower vase or not rolling over on the diaper changing table. I would love to know your thoughts on this. Or is this a topic to be saved for another post altogether? =)
How would this discipline work with a child that has special needs? My daughter is 3 1/2 and has autism. She does not and cannot look me in the eyes without great difficulty and possibly even pain by the way some autistic adults describe it. She cannot talk through simple things like why she won’t eat so I cannot get her to help talk through something she did wrong. Spankings have been used (in a process very similar to what you’ve described here) on occasion and it has turned into her hitting herself in an abusive, angry way when she is upset. So, how would you discipline a child with special needs in this way as they obviously need boundaries and an understanding of right and wrong like any other child? Is the way you’ve described here the ONLY Biblical way (as you see it) to discipline a child?
Because of the unusual situation in which you find yourself, I would continue to seek wisdom from those who understand these particulars and at the same time have a thorough knowledge of the Word of God. Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God; faith is the necessary component in any dilemma and you certainly face a dilemma.
Your daughter has special needs that only God really understands. Find strong Christians who have walked through this with a solid faith in His Word and glean from them. Continue to steep yourself in His word, building up your own faith. Pray earnestly and steadfastly for healing, deliverance, and wisdom. He will provide abundantly.
I have never worked with an autistic child and would be hesitant to give counsel apart from recommending the Word made lively through the Holy Spirit working in your life. I want to pray for you:
Lord, I lift this need to You and I ask You to rain down from heaven Your wisdom for this situation. Let Your Word bring forth faith and confidence, joy and peace, healing and restoration. Fill these lives with Your Holy Spirit; fall upon them in power from on high, releasing Your abundant blessing in their hearts and lives. Let this little girl know You, love You, fulfill Your purposes in her life, and serve You in fullness of joy. Let her family, her parents in particular, sense Your guidance as they seek to love, guide, and impart to her. In Jesus precious name, Amen and amen.
As God unveils greater understanding, please send us your reports, so that others may benefit. Thank you for sharing. You will be in my heart as you seek Him on your daughter’s behalf.