This totally resonates with me. I struggled the same struggle with my Hannah. Spanking after spanking at bedtime. I was heartbroken and wanted to give up because I didn’t want her to go to bed so sad. But it was a rebellion and had to be done. It took 3-4 months for her to finally go to bed spanking free. And even though I was so heartbroken at the time - bedtime now is a very peaceful, enjoyable, loving experience.

The hard part now, is for me to remember this with all the other 3 year old training experiences I am presented with. The thing is, she is a different child. She is more persistent then my older daughter ever was, she is more sensitive than my older daughter and more lively - so I have to submit to the fact that she will need more training then my older one too. I did think that she “didn’t get it” and spanking wasn’t working. But I learned more about how to administer training and discipline. We do spank, but I have to know about what is going on with her heart at that moment in time to know when it is most effective. For her, in the middle of a meltdown - does not work. I walk her through the meltdown, then I train and discipline. This could be wrong - but it has worked for her. Understanding what is going on with her heart - has helped me tremendously with disciplining with patience instead of frustration.

in driving home this very point with a friend last summer, I countered her argument of only aiming for “behavior modification” with this quote from Ted Tripp’s “Shepherding a Child’s Heart”:

“A change in behavior that does not stem from a change of heart is not commendable; it is condemnable.”

Chapter 1 (Getting to the Heart of Behavior) will change your life if you are parenting young children.

One of the most powerful things a “seasoned” mom can do for the moms with little ones is to encourage them to persevere in the area of discipline.

You go, sisters!!

Can I share, not in opposition to your article in any way, some of my own shame, frustration, and guilt I carry?

First, I do know it’s not the Lord’s will that I carry shame and sorrow for anything. It’s hard for a mother not to feel that when she thinks she did wrong by her child, however.

When my first was a baby I read “To Train Up a Child.” It seemed so straightforward, Biblical, and right. My husband said it was the same way in which he was raised and supported it. So we followed the advice.

Obviously in the first 12 months there is very little that required any sort of discipline.

When Isaac’s behaviors started coming out the discipline “wars” as I think of them began. I read Dr. Dobson, I consulted our family doctor, talked with my parents and in-laws, lots and lots of reading on how to make it through this time, and it didn’t seem to be working. Yet I continued with the spanking anyway.

This is where the shame comes. Years later, I find out that Isaac has a language delay or possibly a language disorder and mild aspereger’s. And in those early years, due to his delays… there’s probably very little chance he understood me even 20% of the time. My heart breaks.

My heart breaks because now I understand WHY there would be the backlash after discipline, why the screaming, etc. Why he would seem so distant from me.

He did NOT understand.. and worst of all, was most likely thoroughly confused about why he was being disciplined (on top of all his other usual confusion). The only way we could introduce any sort of effective discipline was once the language hurdles were overcome. Which took therapy and many other visual interventions to teach him. Around age 4 1/2.

So my questions I guess I would pose to you are the ones I’m wrestling within my own heart now…

At what age do you begin spanking? Do you do it when you are certain the child can verbally understand you (such as your example with your oldest)? If you do it earlier, how do you reconcile it with the fact that perhaps the child cannot understand?

As I said - this is not in opposition or attacking in any way. I come to tears when I think back on that time, and how isolated in his own mind my son must have felt. Beyond not being able to communicate to me or understand my own words, but not understanding what was going on or why his mother would spank him.

Does EVERY parent go through the “getting out of bed” thing?

Thanks Brietta for the testimony :)

I can totally relate to this. I have said “this is not working, we should try something else” only to have my husband encourage that this is the only way. It seems as though whole days are spent disciplining. Thank you for your encouragement and instruction on this issue. Many shy away from sharing openly but, it’s nice to know that as a mom, we’re not alone. Thanks, Brietta.

Thanks for sharing this. I often think of you and Daniel when bedtime becomes a circus around here. I remind myself that His Word is true and that Gabriel is a total example of that!

I’m someone who once wrote, practically word-for-word, your same thoughts on discipline. After really turning the Scriptures upside down, I have re-framed everything. For example, the verses that seem to be advocating using the rod on our children are actually using the Hebrew word for teenage boys, NOT little toddlers. (The main/only verses I could find about toddlers were things about dandling/cuddling them on the knees, etc).

In other words, if we want to take the Scriptures literally, we’ll use the rod verses to advocate beating our older teens, not to spank little kids.

I’m not anti-spanking, so don’t get me wrong. I just started incorporating a lot more Scripture into my childrearing philosophy, as opposed to one particular flavor of it. The way my Parent led me as a babe and as a toddler/preschooler in the faith was so utterly gentle, so utterly PATIENT, so utterly forgiving of all my many many many (many!) foibles and flaws. Yes, He has brought the rod down on me, but it has been only very rarely. Very rarely. And even in those moments, I felt so very treasured and loved.

So these parenting books today that make us think we can actually shepherd a child’s heart though the use of the rod get me really frustrated, because in the name of “taking the Bible literally,” we’re actually not taking it literally at all. lol… We’re using verses that talk about beating teenagers (in a culture where beatings were common punishment for adults) and using them to tell parents they are “commanded” to spank their kids. When that’s actually not the “literal” meaning of the proverbs at all.

Also, what’s with the typical childrearing books and their concept of spanking a child into righteousness? I totally bought into that, too, and yet never considered how antithetical it is to the Gospel. Jesus wouldn’t have had to come at all if we could have been spanked into righteousness. The Law would’ve worked just fine, you know?

Anyways, all that to say that I now strive to parent in ways that are HEAVY in the things the NT tells us to be heavy in: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control.

I found that my former authoritarian style was a lot more about ME getting MY way (obey me now) than it was me growing in patience and gentleness. Don’t get me wrong: mom’s word is still law in our house. My kids obey. But I’m a lot different in how I go about helping my kids learn that.

Before, I demanded that they obey the first time, every time, instantly—-or pay the price of a spanking. But, er, that’s not reflective at ALL of how God parented me as a young babe. Ouch. And I want to reflect Him in my parenting. He was never standing over me with a switch.

And would I function best if I knew that someone was going to swat me everytime I failed to be perfect? Who in the world could thrive in that kind of environment???

As Katie shared so eloquently above, we just can’t go wrong with gentleness and with giving a young child the benefit of the doubt (instead of always seeing rebellion in everything they do). But you CAN really go wrong when you are so blinded by “enforcing obedience” and “nipping out rebellion” that you righteously continue harming your child in the name of so-called “Biblical” parenting.

My heart, like Katie’s, breaks over some of the things I did in the name of Biblical discipline with my first kids. I truly thought I was right (I was a follower of the Pearls) and was doing the best by my kids. But now, I can’t tell you enough how much I regret, how badly I wish I could go back and redo those years. And I am SO SO SO beyond grateful that God, in His mercy, helped me walk out of my miscomprehension of Scripture.

For what it’s worth, one of the best best best books I’ve ever read on parenting Biblically is by VanVonderan, “Families Where Grace is in Place.” It’s hands-down one of the most encouraging, uplifting, strengthening things I’ve ever gotten my hands on.

I read it after coming out of the authoritarian parenting paradigm I’d had, when I began checking out a lot of “grace-based” parenting books but was mostly really turned off by them. Someone told me that I had to get Families Where Grace is in Place and I finally did…after finding it waaay cheap on Amazon’s used book section. Wow. VanVonderan’s book is very conservative, very Scripture centered, and yet possibly one of the most challenging and edifying books on family life that I’ve ever come across.

And, btw, since you mentioned not wanting to take the easy way out, I have to say that parenting-via-spanking-all-disobedience was a LOT easier and faster than the way I parent now. The way I parent now requires me to actually form relationships. Ugh. Before, when I was authoritarian, it was my way or you paid the price, the end, no discussion. It was a lot less demanding on my to parent that way than to engage with the kid (and to consider what’s going on in his head) before I take action. Walking with the fruit of the Spirit brimming off my vine towards my kids is a LOT more work.

With warmth,
Molly
Mom of Five

@ Molly: There are lots of thoughts I have in response to your comment, but I think the best way to sum them all up is to ask you to stick around and keep reading. I hope that as we continue to share about God’s Word regarding discipline and training our children, you’ll see that Biblical spanking must be in the context of relationship, communication, love, and gentleness.

Another thought I want to share is that the only remorse and regret I feel over any spankings I have ever administered are the ones that were spawned in frustration; or when I didn’t also take the time to talk, pray, and love on my child as I went. When I write that spanking isn’t the easy way, I’m referring to spankings that are part of a process of engaging my children, getting to the bottom of issues, sharing Scripture, etc. I think your assumption that spankings are the antithesis of love and gentleness may be based on a misunderstanding of what a Biblical spanking really looks like.

“And I was so convicted. About my lack of consistency and thoroughness. . . . I was ready to settle for anything that would more quickly modify his behavior. I had to be reminded that while a punishment & reward system might very well change the bedtime pattern faster, the Bible says that it is the rod that drives foolishness. . . You see, not only does my son never get off his bed any more, but I know I have his heart in a way I didn’t a few years ago. . . . There are too many moments when I want behavior modification and I want it now!”

And how are “discipline sessions” of repeated spanks not B-mod? Seriously, I’m asking because spanking how it is most often taught in the church looks a lot more like the “positive punishment” of operant conditioning than what is seen in the Holy Scriptures.

I’m concerned that too often we as parents judge the “heart” of our child, too, by their outward actions. When we “hhepherd” their hearts with a rod, we judge their hearts by our perception of their outward shift in behavior or attitude.

Furthermore, I see within Christian parenting the impulse to be in the role of the Holy Spirit in our children’s lives. Just consider the idea of mom and the rod “driving the root of rebellion” out of their hearts. Where is Christ? Where is the Holy Spirit? Where is pointing our child to his need for the Gospel?

I’m not criticizing you as a mother, or your post. . . just sharing some food for thought, some questions I have asked and am continuing to ask. Questions that continually drive me to the Word and to my knees.

@ Alexa

Thank you for your thoughts and comments. Here are some ideas inspired from your food for thought.

The role of parenting is a position of authority by God because He is looking to us to shape our children and to advance their character in strength and maturity. We do this through teaching, praying, living an example, loving and showing mercy, and by disciplining when needed. The Holy Spirit uses my daily interactions in my children’s young lives, just as He uses my husbands words and actions in mine. Why God has chosen to use us, His church, full of weakness and yet full of His Spirit, is an amazingly wonderful thing which leaves us breathless with joy and dependence upon Him.

The scriptures make it clear that “the Lord chastens those whom He loves…” and that we are to likewise chasten our children. Chastening may take on many forms, and one which is commended in the scriptures is the rod, currently referred to as spanking in our culture. It is not intended to be punitive as much as corrective. And correction is a good thing to give to our children. Proverbs 12:1 says that “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid. NIV”

Does correction modify behavior? That is, of course, the goal of most correction. A wise person, according to the scripture, takes that correction and applies it, resulting in a change of behavior and a change of heart. A wise person does that.

So, I think that faithful correction given in love and faith is one of the goals of Christian parenting — leading our young ones in Holy ways, letting them see the goodness and beauty, in faith and confidence hoping that they will see the beauty of God Himself.

I don’t know for sure how most Christian churches teach the use of the rod. This I do know: that I am responsible for careful handling of the Word, to faithfully encourage others in His ways, and to teach younger women to love their children. It must be clear: if all we do is not rooted in love, we have missed the mark.

Thank you for your thoughtful questions and comments! It is always good to consider these things afresh!