Parenting
Childtraining: A look at our hearts
Obviously, I’ve been thinking much about discipline and training for the last few weeks. As I’ve listened to conversations, read blogs and emails, and pondered our tendency to be less than sure in our approach to training our children, it’s occurred to me that perhaps we misunderstand a basic premise.
We discipline and train out of love, and with our children’s best interests in mind.
Mom touched on this in her last post:
“That is the goal: their success, not ours. After all, even a child is known by his doing. We want our children to be respected and well received. That is a blessing for them. It may take hard work on your part to bring them to that place and they may meet your efforts with resistance, but because of your love for them, you must keep your eyes on the goal.”
Biblical discipline is correction motivated by love. The perspective and motivation in that is absolutely key to successfully fulfilling our mission as parents.
As these thoughts have been tumbling around in my fuzzy-pregnant-mommy brain, I came across a passage this morning in Shepherding a Child’s Heart, and of course, Mr. Tripp put it quite nicely:
“God provides the understanding of what discipline is. Its funtion is not primarily punitive. It is corrective. The primary thrust of discipline is not to take revenge, but to correct. The discipline of a child is a parent refusing to be a willing party to his child’s death. (Proverbs 19.18)
“What makes this idea so hard to get hold of? … We don’t see ourselves as God’s agents. We, therefore, correct our children when they irritate us. When their behavior doesn’t irritate us, we don’t correct them. Thus, our correction is not us rescuing our children from the path of danger; it is rather us airing our frustration. It is us saying to them, ‘I am fed up with you. You are making me mad. I am going to hit you, or yell at you, or make you sit on a chair in isolation from the family until you figure out what you did wrong.’
“What I have just described is not discipline. It is punishment.“ (emphasis mine)
Yes, godly correction and discipline is a premeditated course of action, a pro-active posture of the parent to form and shape these little arrows. What’s amazingly liberating about this is the idea that God does not mean for us to live our entire lives as parents running around after uncontrollable kids, lashing out in an attempt at crowd control. Phew! I’m really glad to know there’s another way!
However, this biblical picture of childtraining requires much, much discipline from me — self-discipline. It requires that I continually be cultivating an active love toward my children. It requires that I discuss with my husband the issues we are facing, and determine to faithfully correct my children on those issues. It requires me to not wait until I’m irritated to do something about poor behavior — that would be selfish. No, it requires that I be mothering my children with an eye to their success and prosperity, and that means being continually “interrupted” in order to train and correct. (And then I ask myself, can I consider myself to have been interrupted when their training is one of my primary callings?)
These are the thoughts in my head and heart today. Hope they bless and encourage you as much as they have me.
And now I must run. My little man is throwing markers and in need of some correction. :)
Discussion
6 comments for “Childtraining: A look at our hearts”
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I included that thought about the goal being their success rather than our own as a side thought, initially assuming that it was a commonly understood mindset. After I wrote it I realized that it may not be so common. I forget that the world’s perspective on everything is totally skewed, that our minds need renewing in all areas, this one included. I forgot that we often think our success in parenting is all about us, how we’ve done, what people will say about us — it is actually all about them. It is all about that arrow, not the quiver that holds them. It is also all about the target, and the success of damage to the enemy. As that foot soldier releases that arrow in the midst of battle, often no one really knows whose arrow struck down which man. The important thing is the success of the collective mission, and that success is dependent upon the quality of arrow and the aim. So, yes, parents have much to do with it, but the goal isn’t their reputation; it is the success of the mission at hand that matters. Faithful shaping is essential before going into battle. If we lose sight of the purpose ahead — the defeating a common enemy when the battle comes — we will fall short of proper shaping. The next thing you know you find yourself in battle with arrows less than properly prepared. So look ahead, do the work for the right cause, and you will be ready when the day is at hand.
Proper child-training is for their benefit, not ours. It is all about their success when the enemy rages. It is all about them being prepared for victorious living. It is all about their good.
Will we reap good things as well? Yes. Life will be blessed with peace and harmony, we will earn honor in days to come, love will abound in our homes, and their relationships with one another and with us will be joy-filled. Is this good stuff? You bet! But it is not the singular goal. Faithful discipleship to Christ is the whole deal.
“throwing markers”?
hey, don’t quench that tender and blossoming artist within!
I am SO kidding…
A friend told me once, regarding discipline:
‘We aren’t in this for what we get out of it - we’re in this for who they become.’
Sounds simple, but I can’t tell you how often the Lord has brought it to mind when my responses - no, reactions - to my one son have been more punitive than soul-shaping. And in the process, my own soul gets shaped - if I surrender my stubborn will. Thanks be to God for his unending mercy….
I’m so very thankful for this timely study!
I have been in need of guidance and fresh inspiration/teaching concerning childtraining.
I have been revisiting Shepherding a Child’s Heart lately and am soooo glad to have my perspective readjusted.
I LOVE what Darlene shared concerning training children prior to discipline. I am going to make a poster that says: 1.Instruct and Train
2. Practice, Practice, Practice
3. Discipline when needed
I will stick this poster up in my kitchen for daily reminders of my calling! I LOVE this stuff! :)
Thanks for all you share,
Sarah D.
This is really a good reminder in a challenging area for me. I grew up with parents who only disciplined when they were “fed-up”, and my temptation is to do the same. For me, it is really hard to not see the need for correction as an interruption. I think there is some notion ingrained in my mind that I am not being productive if child-raising is *all* I am doing. That, and it really is just hard to get in the habit of being willing to drop anything and everything in order to discipline. But, these reminders do definitely help with the perspective adjustment.
Nancy’s response to marker throwing jogged my memory to a show about fostering problem-solving skills in children. The host mentioned to her guest that her toddler brought a chair to the counter, stood on the chair to reach for an object. The host says, “What do I do in this situation?” The guest says, “Praise her for problem-solving.” I say, “Yikes”! Our minds do need to be renewed in the area of child-training!