Parenting

We’ve received numerous questions related to the topic of discipline and childtraining. Seems we all agree that childtraining is necessary and right, but exactly what, where, when, how, and even who are questions coming our way.

Let’s start by establishing a premise or two. First and foremost, let’s all agree on this: the Bible commands us to love our children. Every action, every word, every thought should spring forth from a true and deep love for that child. When we fail to do so (and since we are all frail humanity, we are guaranteed that outcome), repentance is needed — without debate. No excusing your lack of love. Own up to your sin and repent. Period.

That may seem like an obvious point, but when we are in the midst of emotionally charged situations, identifying our failure apart from theirs is not always easy. We may tend to excuse the frustration and make room for mean-spirited impatience. After all, “Did you see what they just did?!” But you must separate your response from the child’s action. No matter what he’s done, love should motivate your response. Is love really powering your words? Are you looking for their good? Is their sonship in God still in your view or have you forgotten that they are His children, just like you? Righteous anger is one thing; hatred and frustration are something else. Our response must be rooted in a greater purpose, a higher goal. Love must be your constant motivation.

How do you get such love once it is lost, or if you have never felt it? Where does it come from? It comes from God. Ask Him to give you such love. If you still find it lacking, ask Him again. And repent sincerely when you fail to exhibit love. If you stumble 15 minutes later, finding yourself struggling with bitter resentment or anger, then sincerely repent again. He will fill you with true love. He alone changes hearts.

A second important premise: training involves teaching principles and skills, practicing those skills, and disciplining poor behavior. Spring training can’t begin without first giving the players necessary instruction — how to do the drill, how to improve that swing, what to do when the bases are loaded, etc. They won’t grow in their skills without repeated practice. Poor habits, bad patterns, and lazy attitudes are dealt with through discipline and punishment.

Let’s discuss two aspects of training today — teaching and practicing. Consider this thought borrowed from Eldon Wilson, a highly respected teacher of the Word: “You won’t reproduce something if you cannot teach it.” Thorough, careful instruction is essential.

At every level, teaching must occur before someone can practice a new skill. Instruction must be given before a person can be held responsible. There should be no discipline for failure until thoughtful instruction has transacted an exchange of understanding. (Sometimes they may refuse to accept that understanding. That itself can be an infraction needing discipline. More on that next time.)

From the earliest of ages they begin comprehending. Your tone of voice is one of the first clues indicating to them your preferences. When little Johnny smiles you respond with smiles, cooing, and pleasant words such as “What a good boy you are, Johnny!” or “Mama loves to see you smile!” When Johnny begins pinching your cheeks with regularity you probably do not respond in like manner. Instead he sees a bit of a frown accompanied by sterner words of “Let’s be gentle, Johnny” as you carefully unfold his tight little grasp. He begins to catalog responses. Very soon he will receive his first discipline - a flick on the hand perhaps. (Again, we will talk about that the next time!)

Careful demonstration must continue during those early years. They learn by seeing and doing. Whatever your intended lesson for them, determine to act it out as much as possible. Have them imitate you. Or you may need to act out a negative action, letting them know repeatedly that such behavior is not appropriate. A few times is usually enough for them to catch on. They really are quite clever little people.

As they grow in communication skills, Scriptural concepts such as repentance and forgiveness can be discussed, referencing the Word regularly. They will learn early on that the Word is to be trusted and revered for all life wisdom. In your systematic teaching take time to relate examples from imaginary settings or real life. (They love examples taken from your real life - this makes you more accessible and real to them, more believable. So don’t hesitate to be vulnerable and less than perfect in their eyes.)

For example, when instructing them in obedience to authority I always help them see my own need to be under authority. Knowing that we all have to tow the line helps them see the big picture and not feel so alone in it all. When they disobey and are not convinced of the significance of such failure (sometimes expressed rather saucily, I might add), I ask them if they think Mama should obey Daddy. They always agree that I should, and consequently recognize their own need to obey authority so that things can be orderly, respectful, and loving. As I said, these are clever little people God gives to us.

Buy up opportunities for spontaneous teaching moments. At an early age, as soon as that toy is picked up by another visiting toddler, the concept of sharing needs to be taught accompanied with Luke 6:38. If it is time to set the table, talk about serving Daddy and others by making it nice. Proper methods and creative ideas can be taught while you work side by side. Perhaps a dear friend announces a baby’s birth - we discuss the wonder of creation, the importance of seeing His hand in the making of new life, even in making their own. Remind them once again that they are wonderfully made, full of destiny.

You must plan formal times of instruction as well, both practical and spiritual. For example, teach rules for restaurant behavior then train them in those rules by playing restaurant at home around your table. Purpose to explain what to do and say when you meet someone, how to answer the telephone properly, or the importance of greeting a visitor into your home and making them feel special — then practice such scenarios by acting them out together, correcting and affirming as needed. Take time to brainstorm different settings in which your family often may find themselves (sports events, concerts and recitals, etc.); determine to teach them appropriate behavior. Instruct them in ettiquette and manners. Teach chores thoroughly. Then practice, practice, practice.

Pep talks were common events in our family van. As we would approach our favorite pizza place for a dinner out together, Dad would call, “Okay, everyone list one rule of restaurant behavior starting with Danica on down!” Or maybe our arrival at church had been getting pretty unruly. Time was taken at home to review a more orderly strategy, right down to “who would stand where” once the coats were hung in place and “who would hold whose hand”. Then on Sunday mornings we would ask them to call out the litany one more time as we pulled into the church parking lot, providing the best chance for their success.

That is the goal: their success, not ours. After all, even a child is known by his doing. We want our children to be respected and well received. That is a blessing for them. It may take hard work on your part to bring them to that place and they may meet your efforts with resistance, but because of your love for them, you must keep your eyes on the goal.

Of course Biblical instruction needs utmost attention. This is the foundation upon which you build, referring to such teaching regularly. It is the reason for all else that we do. Good restaurant behavior is founded upon the Word - respect, order, His testimony, kindness, etc. Chores are done cheerfully and with true industry - refer to Proberbs 6:6-11. Again and again, you will build upon these truths.

Teaching and practice take effort and forethought. Principles are communicated, strategies for your particular family are designed and taught, then numerous opportunities for in-home drill must be made. Without these things one should not expect good results.

We get tired; there may be entire seasons when children are a step or two ahead of us (like when a new baby arrives, for instance) but don’t lose heart. Stop the world, get off the tread mill, and purpose to get teaching and practice back into place. Shall I say something you will hear again and again from me? “It’s all about getting back on track!”

Before we could discuss discipline in detail I needed to be assured that these fundamental concepts were in place. To jump to discipline apart from proper teaching and practice is like closing the barn door after the horse gets out. There may be times when there is no choice but to approach it that way, but ideally, we aim for teaching, then practice, followed with discipline when needed.